\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4242482
Review #4242482
Viewing a review of:
 Simply Lost in Lust Open in new Window. [18+]
Very short start for a story.
by iguanamountain Author Icon
In affiliation with House of Sensual Prose  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
Review brought to you by:
"Game of Thrones"  Open in new Window. by Gaby Author Icon

PLOT -
The beginning of a story still on the back burner. The first paragraph alone drew me in and had me already asking questions as to who the couple were, and why it was anyone's business what they had been doing. That's a good hook for a start.

SETTING -
Great visual of Evalyn sitting in her prominent chair, drinking her hot toddy and being waited on as she gets ready to see the younger people.

CHARACTERS -
Deborah-Alice and her family members are not happy. They have all been summoned from what it appears to stand before the senior aunts. Using that term, 'senior aunts' had two impressions in my mind. One is that they are old, and two that senior wasn't a statement of age, but one of respect and high standing.

GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE -
The empty toddy cup was whisked away as a disgruntled collection of middle-aged daughters, sons-in-law, grand nieces and nephews, including the aforementioned grand niece Deborah-Alice, and her suspect lover, Dondell, a cousin twice-removed from the other side of the family—the side that no one ever mentioned.-- this is kind of long, and it's missing the last thought before the list of who is coming into the room.

THOUGHTS -
You really should add to this. There is a lot of information packed into such a short piece and with what you've done so far, this could turn into an exciting story. All of the questions you've raised, things you've alluded to are intriguing and would have be scouring through it to see where your characters go. Deborah-Alice seems to be the black sheep since she's hooked up with Dondell, which is apparently a no-no. Let me know if you add to this. I'd really like to see where you take your characters from here.

House Greyjoy image for G.o.T.

This would be my name.
   *CheckG* You responded to this review 07/29/2016 @ 9:02am EDT
Printed from https://writing.com/main/my_feedback/action/view/id/4242482