%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 Review #4241758 |
| Review brought to you by: "Game of Thrones" by Creeper Of The Realm  PLOT - Anita is hung up on Roy, while Blake, Anita's best friend wants her. A triangle of sorts ensues. After another dream of Roy, Anita decides today is the day she will approach him and ask him out. As she moves to do so, she finds him on one knee proposing to another girl. Her heart shatters and she rushes outside where Blake finds her and confesses his true feelings to her. SETTING - You begin to describe the scene, but only take it all the way when Roy is on his knee, and at the very end when Blake comforts her afterward. Really incorporate what is going on around Anita as she struggles with her excitement to a broken heart. Lots of emotions and imagery can be filtered in to tie this all together nicely. CHARACTERS - Blake is the supportive friend, all the while he's suppressing his feelings for Anita. He even encourages her to go after the boy she likes. Anita is caught up in Roy, who doesn't seem to notice her, as she misses out on what's been right in front of her all along. GRAMMAR/SPELLING/DIALOGUE - Besides you know<--have known him for three entire years and have always talked about him, Roy kneeling, holding a bunch of red roses as he begged another girl to be his Valentine's. Anita started talking like herself instead of being the heartbroken girl she was earlier on. <--early on. or earlier Dialog tags could use some work in this one. At some points they are a little jarring. THOUGHTS - I'm not so sure about Anita being heartbroken if she's getting over it so quickly. Perhaps a crush that does hurt would play better in this short piece. If Anita is in college, then I'd go with a crush because it will speak more to her maturity. A teenager would be more likely to be heartbroken, still learning about love and relationships. I do like that she questions what things would be life if her friendship with Blake moves to a different level. You have a solid story, just needs a little tweaking to really make it fly off the page. Write on!   
|
|||
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
You have not yet responded to this review.