Oh, why not! Some people are SUPER easy to review because their weaknesses are my strengths (and vice verse, no doubt). I suppose you are one of those people. All three of these have been super easy to review and spot issues.

This piece could probably use some stronger connections between lines. With lines this short, the more obvious the connection, the better. The first two lines connect very clearly... "Attention fading" is not related to them though except peripherally.

Another example might be "Becoming a figment / Only to rise" - Do figments not rise normally? The connection doesn't become clear until the "With insight" line. Now, if you used "figment/solidify", THAT would connect the two very strongly. See what I mean?

For poems that use phrasing this tight and abridged, those connections keep it from reading like a grocery list.

Even though this is more concise, there are still areas where you could make it even MORE concise and strengthen the lines at the same time.

"First a whisper
Then a realization"

"Whisper plants a
Realization"

If the whisper causes the realization (which would make sense... that "dawned on me" moment), then this type of structure is more concise AND makes the meaning clearer. In this case, it also improves the flow a bit, since 'realization' takes so long to say.

And again, think about your word choice... like, really really analyze why you're using the words you're using. Mostly, it looks like it's for meaning rather than impact. Hurt and broken (used twice) and strength/renewal and etc... they are the most expected word choices for a poem on this topic. "Broken" seems to be a go-to word in general.

Overall, I think this is a stronger piece. I can see what you mean about your free verse being less bulky than your prose for sure. Pieces with such short lines and whatnot really require many many revision though... fresh eyes. You might only change one word each time... it's that type. My style was akin to this when I was young, so I've been there!




My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .