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Review #4060124
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Review by Bikerider Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: | (4.5)
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I saw your story, "Invalid Item" Open in new Window. listed on the Please Review Page and took a look. I hope you find my comments helpful.

From your comments, I gather that you want opinions on whether this is enough of a hook for the beginning of a novella-length story. The short answer is yes. As I read the opening sentences questions began to appear in my head. What about the Circle M symbol has Laney upset? How is it that her future has been stolen? Now that she's at the gate, what is her plan? Revenge? Love? Any time a reader forms questions so quickly in a story it can be assumed you got the hook right. In this story, I think you did.

There was one place that I thought I should mention:


You wrote: Caleb Masters wondered who the fool was blocking his entrance. Taking in the rusted doors, dented fenders and broken glass, he wasn’t surprised that the thing had decided to give it up and die. The driver, however, should know better. It was a crime to put such a piece of junk on the road, not to mention his road.

The above paragraph needs something to show that Caleb is referring to the pickup truck that Laney is driving, and not a person. He wondered who the fools was blocking his entrance. Taking in the rusted doors... As written it seems like the fool, (a person) had rusted doors, dented metal...etc. Obviously, this can be fixed easily.

You have used description well here. I really like the way the July head pooled inside the truck when Laney stopped at the gate. I live in Florida and I know how heat can 'pool' when there is no breeze.
You do a good job of painting with words here.

I'd like to read the rest of the story as you go. Please feel free to let me know when you have more to read and review. After reading this short piece my interest has been heightened.

One last thing. May I suggest using a larger font? A larger font will set your story apart and give it a more satisfying presentation. I usually use font size 3.5 when I write. This review is done in font size 3.5.


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Keep up the good work.

Bikerider


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