As a fellow writer, I've discovered the best way to improve our skills is to study other writers' techniques and talents and to share advice with each other based on what we have learned along the way. So please know that my review is offered only in the spirit of helpfulness and encouragement.



I liked this story from the very beginning. The little creature resembling Pegasus from Greek Mythology seems lost and alone as he hangs around the pirates' port. After an undetermined length of time, he finally decides to venture out and discover other lands, other people. He longs for many answers about himself: Who is he? Where did he come from? Why is no one looking for him? In his travels, he encounters kindly Captain Amelia who takes him on her ship in search of his parents. Or...is that her intention...? Amelia teaches him about sailing and sword fighting and he learns quickly—even teaching her and the crew a thing or two. The story abruptly ends with the little Pegasus blacking out as shrapnel from the exploding pirates' ship hits him. But I have a feeling this is not the end. Hopefully there are more chapters to come.



The title and the brief description of your item are both very important features of your story. Without giving too much away, here is where you have the power to entice a potential reader to stop and explore your tale. Your overall skills in grammar and spelling are judged by these few lines, and any errors will cause a reader to pass it by. In your title, the article a should be lower case. In your description, instead of traeswoman, do you mean tradeswoman? And I think Pegasus should be capitalized since it is a proper noun. Here's a suggestion:
Tales of a Lost Pegasus
A Pegasus without a name and a tradeswoman who understands



The narrative contains all the proper elements of a well-structured story with an orderly sequence of events as told in first-person present-tense by the little colt. You did a great job maintaining his point of view throughout the story. Well done, Gabriel.



The scenes and settings were vividly described. Each character displayed his or her own unique personality through delightful dialogue and gestures which made them come alive for the reader.



There are a few grammar and punctuation issues that need attention, and I'd like to point out a few for your consideration, if I may.

Take it easy with the overuse of the relative pronoun that. Usually, the word that is understood and does not have to be repeated.
For example, you wrote:
I go to a port that is run by pirates, that is a three day walk, to get food.
The sentence structure is a bit wordy. Here's a suggestion:
I go to a port run by pirates, a three-day walk, to get food.
I got rid of that in both areas of the sentence, and it still makes sense. Also, I hyphenated the compound adjective three-day modifying the noun walk.

You wrote:
I've been here for almost a month now, and still, nopony has come to look for me.
At first, I thought this was a typo. But then I noticed that you consistently use pony as part of the usual indefinite pronouns like somepony instead of somebody, and anypony instead of anybody. So I'm thinking this is an intentional play on words specific to this story since there are no humans around. I kind of like the idea. It's a unique and ingenious way to emphasize to the reader that this is a land of ponies, not people. Great idea, Gabriel!

You wrote:
I make my was way across the barren land to the shore.
I won't bore you by pointing out each typo, but I've learned that it is important to proofread your work and correct little things like typos and misspelled words before you post your work in your portfolio. The more polished your item is, the more your readers will see that you are a serious writer. Detail doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is.

You wrote:
“I wonder what lays beyond that horizon?” I ask myself as I lay down to sleep.
The difference between lay and lie can be a tricky lesson to learn. Use lie when you're referring to something that is spread out upon the land or someone who is reclining. Use lay when you are placing something down. Here's a great link explaining this:
http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/lay-versus-lie.aspx
“I wonder what lies beyond that horizon?” I ask myself as I lie down to sleep.

You wrote:
It reads 'Port Master', this is a little unsettling for me.
This is called a comma splice. There are two separate sentences here, joined by a comma. Also, rather than use single quotation marks for words on a sign, you could just use italics or a different size font. Here's a suggestion:
It reads Port Master. This is a little unsettling for me.

You wrote:
I can see her thinking. Her mind is working. 'But why wouldn't she want to go to the dock,' I think to myself.
Internal dialogue (thoughts—unspoken words) should be in italics. Single quotation marks are usually reserved for quotes within quotes.
I can see her thinking. Her mind is working. But why wouldn't she want to go to the dock, I think to myself.



You have a gifted imagination, Gabriel. There are some rough edges that need smoothing out, but overall, I was impressed with your talent as a storyteller. I hope you continue to add chapters to this delightful tale.









My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .