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Given: Oct 8, 2014 at 1:27pm
Length: 2,855 Characters |
2,587 w/o WritingML
What I like:
I love how intimate and personal it is, but there's this casualness there as well. I love that because you don't see that in novels. We have this highly sexual scene, but it doesn't feel like porn and it's not perfection that we often see in some romance novels. You made it so it feels like this is normal and what anyone could experience even if they haven't. I love the little names for things you use, it's this cute little way of how this man sees this woman sexually and with the love he obviously feels for her. It personalizes it and again lets us connect with it on an emotional level. I can tell from reading that you must be English or at the very most from the UK? Just from certain spellings and the wordage used, I love that. For some reason it's really a part of why I enjoyed this versus what I've read from American authors and writers. The less seriousness about it that I mentioned before. Keep that.
What I suggest:
There really isn't so much I'd suggest you change, since I know you're planning on updating terminology and such. The only two things I really have to suggest is one (a piece of terminology) is the "teen-ager", unless that is a English thing, I know it's more or less spelled as one word, no hyphen. The other is that the thoughts the main character has that are in parenthesis should be broken down to just what the character is thinking and then italicized. For example: (I, in my turn, thought, “Dear God!---never before anything like this---this intensity…”) should be something like: Dear God! Never before have I felt anything this intense! Or however you want to rewrite it. Other than that though, you've written everything rather well!
My overall thoughts:
Like I've mentioned, I love how you've made this intimate moment very intimate and yet very casual at the same time. You've made it realistic, something that people could actually visualize happening to them. I loved that it's probably the most intimate thing I've ever read and yet it wasn't erotic, it was something beautiful to read. I appreciate that because it isn't done nearly enough. I definitely would love to read the rest of your work once you've shared it. Please feel free to send it my way once you have!
Just wanted to apologize for not getting to the review request before it expired. I got busy with the NaNoWriMo prep with the limited time I've had the last few days! I wanted to make sure you got your review though! Thank you for sharing it with me!
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Review #4046471
[] 
| (3.5)
What I like: 
I love how intimate and personal it is, but there's this casualness there as well. I love that because you don't see that in novels. We have this highly sexual scene, but it doesn't feel like porn and it's not perfection that we often see in some romance novels. You made it so it feels like this is normal and what anyone could experience even if they haven't.
There really isn't so much I'd suggest you change, since I know you're planning on updating terminology and such. The only two things I really have to suggest is one (a piece of terminology) is the "teen-ager", unless that is a English thing, I know it's more or less spelled as one word, no hyphen. The other is that the thoughts the main character has that are in parenthesis should be broken down to just what the character is thinking and then italicized. For example: (I, in my turn, thought, “Dear God!---never before anything like this---this intensity…”) should be something like: Dear God! Never before have I felt anything this intense! Or however you want to rewrite it. 
Like I've mentioned, I love how you've made this intimate moment very intimate and yet very casual at the same time. You've made it realistic, something that people could actually visualize happening to them. I loved that it's probably the most intimate thing I've ever read and yet it wasn't erotic, it was something beautiful to read. I appreciate that because it isn't done nearly enough.
Just wanted to apologize for not getting to the review request before it expired. I got busy with the NaNoWriMo prep with the limited time I've had the last few days! I wanted to make sure you got your review though! Thank you for sharing it with me!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" 
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You responded to this review 10/08/2014 @ 7:20pm EDT