It's definitely interesting. I've seen similar pieces that have the same feel as this one, but this one is different. It left me asking questions, wanting to know more. I myself am I novice writer, but I know enough to see that your readers asking questions is good, but to an extent. You need to give them enough information for the readers to understand what's going on, but not so much that they don't think twice about anything.

I noticed that you had a few grammar mistakes. It's okay to make them, just make sure you know what you're doing when you fix it. If you don't feel like you have enough knowledge to edit it yourself, have a trusted friend or relative with the right knowledge do it for you. I myself have trouble editing my work, and I make plenty of mistakes. I also noticed that the sentence structure is a little iffy. I still understood what was going on, but others might not. You can't have the readers asking questions about the structure of the sentence. It needs to make sense and flow smoothly. I still have trouble with that, and I've only been writing for two years. Not professionally, of course. I'm a little underage for that.

Overall, the piece had a nice feel to it. It had me asking questions. "What's he going to do next?" is an example. You did a great job ensnaring the readers, but it's hard to keep them there. You did a fair job on that part, though you could use some work. I got the gist, and that shows promise. Feel free to look at some of my work and you'll find plenty of mistakes if you look hard enough. (Most of which I definitely don't know where they are. I just know that I made mistakes.)

First thing: to be a good writer, you need to have a solid command of the English language. I saw some great word variety. To increase that vocabulary, the best thing to do is to read. Not only does it improve your vocabulary, it improves your writing. See other kinds of writing styles, mix and match with points of view, find out what works best for you. For me, I found that I write the best using first person. For others it might be third person. For others still it might be some kind of writing that I haven't learned about.

Second thing: PRACTICE! If you don't shoot hoops, you'll never get better at basketball, will you? No! And the same thing applies to writing. If you don't practice, you can't get better. About a year ago, I wrote words on a page, and nothing stopped me. Of course, at that point in my writing, none of it made any real sense to someone other than me. If you had asked me then if I though my writing would improve, I wouldn't have said yes. Looking back now, I know that I was wrong.

Finally: don't let anybody stop you. I haven't met any real controversy about my writing, but it's bound to happen. I'm going to be blunt here, people will tell you that your writing sucks. But that's one person's opinion. Why should that stop you? What right do they have to tell you to stop writing? Eventually, you'll find someone who truly supports you in your writing. Maybe you've already found that person. Maybe not. But there will be one.

I hope that I've helped with this. I think I may have overdone it...but I'm satisfied nonetheless. Maybe this is all for naught; maybe writing isn't for you after all. If so, that's fine. Some people just don't like writing. But if you do like it, even as a hobby on the side, keep doing it. You showed promise, and that's what's important.

And you don't have to listen to any of my suggestions. I don't care if you totally write me off, I was only trying to help. Thanks for letting me read this piece.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .