Hi weeza . I found your item in "The Kiwi Review Challenge! - closed" . Before I begin my review please note that these are my views as a reader and are not meant to offend in any manner.


I have read the story twice to understand it, but I'm not sure I still completely understand it. The story jumps between past and present too many times for my mind to process it that fast. But as far as I understand the story is about Audrey who has been called to hospital as her husband is critically ill. She should feel guilty, but she feels elated because she believes fate is guiding her on the right path.

Now there are points where I struggled. The one such point is the importance of the character "Mae". She is the best friend of Audrey, that is true but the end sentence which says that "Perhaps Mae had discovered the eternal freedom" left me confused as to what happened to her. I might be missing something.



The only character I found well-developed was Audrey whose indecision and doubts are made clear. Colin is also somewhat developed, esp his philosophy about fate. Mae and David as I said are not very developed and not very relevant to the current piece unless you want to develop into a novel of sorts. If you are planning to enhance this into a longer piece, then only they will add the dimension to the character of Audrey. For now, they just feel like accessory.


That is the strongest point of your story. The way you described the place and the honey analogy warmed my heart. The distortion by rain and life was also interesting to read.


I am not giving a detailed edit points here but few basic observations~

1) Each dialogue from a character should form one paragraph for clarity. This is better explained in the newsletter " Newsletter (Spare)" . This won't change the story but will make it easier to read.

2) You have used two variations of the name "Peterson". You may want to decide on one and stick to it throughout.

3) This is not a mistake but a lesson which was recently taught to me. You have used "was" in many places in the story. Most of the places can do with a stronger verb. It will enhance the story but as I said I'm also trying to incorporate it in my writing.

4) Also while giving a direct address, there should be a comma before the name. This link can explain the nuances of the uses of comma in such scenarios. It has helped me learn a lot. I hope these would help you too.
http://www.grammarerrors.com/punctuation/commas-in-direct-address/


My favorite would be the paragraph wherein you explained the rain and the distorted path which life of Audrey had taken. What I did not like was the absence of shock when Audrey sees her husband . Yo have mentioned that she collapsed but the conversation she had with Doctor and the reaction she is having while seeing her husband in ICU is somewhat unexpected. I mean even if she feels relieved, the first impression would always be shock. Slowly, it can be replaced with elation but that shock is not very well developed.


The story has a potential to be developed further into a longer piece but you would have to flesh out the characters more for that. In case any of my comments is not clear or wrong, do not hesitate to write a mail. It would be a learning process for me too. Also in case you plan to revise the story and enhance it to something bigger, I would like to read what happened with Mae.

Thank you for sharing the story.

Keep Writing!



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .