Hello Weirdone-Back in the games

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+] and with "I Write in December-January-February"  [E]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Title:
An interesting title. It's almost like the first line of the poem but not exactly the same. Most of the time I'm on the fence about first lines as the title but it would kind of work in this case. So it made me wonder why you did "the shoulder" instead of "your shoulder" or well, I have another suggestion I'll post in the next part.

The description is funny though doesn't say much about the poem. But it could still work to draw someone in cause they are going to wonder what strange topic you chose for your rare attempt at poetry.


Overall Impression:
Pinnocchio! Yeah, that was pretty obvious but kind of fun aspect about this poem. Though I couldn't help but think don't crickets stop making noise when someone is standing too close to them? Not sure, but the realistic detail isn't really important in the situation given.

Though I wonder how it would sound using first person instead of second. "Cricket on my shoulder" etc. Something to play with maybe just for fun. Though the second person does work, for poems at least. I don't recommend it for most stories but very short poems like this are different in that respect.

It's fun to do a random poem at times, isn't it? I do this on occasion too. I don't write poetry much anymore at all, but I do a random one every now and then for fun. This one was fun, and I hope you enjoyed writing it at the very least.


Form:
I'm guessing there is a form used based on the type of rhyme scheme but I don't know which form it is. If you did use a form maybe post the type of form at the bottom of the item so people know which one you used for it. Also makes me wonder if there is a syllable count and I don't know if any suggestions will ruin that, so knowing the form would help here. So, form or not, take that into consideration when considering my comments and recommendations.


Rhythm/Rhyme:
The rhyme works, I think, assuming it followed whatever form might have been used. At first I wasn't sure since most of the rhyme scheme follows aa, but the b ones throw that off a bit. However, seeing it followed throughout the short poem makes it still work. Rhythm isn't too bad either, though some areas I do stumble over but those are pointed out later on in the suggestions section of this review.


Favorite Part:
Since your head is of wood.
And decide if you're for real.

I like this part even though I have suggestions to slightly change both lines, but it's the definitive part of the poem and key to its success I think.


Line-by-line and Suggestions:
Here are just some minor suggestions of things I noticed when reading and are all just based on my own personal opinion. And most are based on not knowing if there is a required syllable count or not, so might change the outcome if there is one.

"To school and not the play." - "the" throws me off in this. Is he saying to go to school and not to go see a play? That's kind of what I get from the line but I wonder if you mean, he shouldn't play. Might want to change "the" to something else like "to" if that is the intention.

Since your head is of wood. - This line I feel is lacking a word. I want there to be "made" in between "is" and "of" in order to complete the sentence.

And decide if you're for real. - In this one, I would suggest deleting "for" and making "you're" into "you are" since if it's Pinnocchio related then it would be whether he is a real boy or not. And even if it's not related to that, to me it would sound a bit more solid this way, but it's just my suggestion.


A quirky, kinda fun poem. I enjoy the strange when it comes to poetry and this one worked for me. Keep writing!