"There is a small but growing problem in this nation, and I intend to nip it in the bud," says the president. "And that problem is people preferring Internet pornography to actual human sexual contact. With this trend continuing, we estimate that our nation will have a negative birthrate within only five years -- and within ten years, the rate will be so low that even immigration will not be able make up for it. We will have negative population growth, which is unsustainable."
You and Rachel look at each other, confused. You can't believe this is what the new president is focusing on.
He continues, "However, I do have an initiative to alleviate the situation. The women of this nation will be transformed to meet, if not exceed, the fantastic visions of femininity and sexuality that are presented in porn."
"What?" says a disbelieving Rachel.
"I realize that this transformation will result in widespread societal change, particularly due to the fact that there will be a noticeable decrease in intelligence in women. To mitigate this, the change will happen in stages, to various groups of women -- so that, for example, women who are currently doctors can plan to wind up their practice and take an easier job by the time they are transformed. Of course, there will be government assistance available for all of this."
"What?!" exclaims Rachel, now sitting bolt upright and leaning forward.
"However, the first stage will happen immediately, and it will affect women of approximately college age, that is, 18 to 23. This will mean that all young women must leave college, due to their loss of intelligence -- that is, their college classes. Women will still be allowed to participate in cheerleading and whatever other athletics they will still be interested in, and of course providing an alternative to Internet porn for male students and any other interested men. Mitigation plans are currently being distributed to all colleges and universities."
"This can't be serious," Rachel says as she continues to stare at the screen. "This has gotta be 'SNL' or something." But it's not Saturday night -- it's early Thursday evening.
"Women currently in a trade school may stay enrolled," says the president, "but the roles they are being trained for may be altered. Mitigation plans for this are also being distributed."
"This has gotta be illegal." Rachel is trying to convince herself of something else now. "An unconstitutional executive order or something. I'm sure the other party is gonna shut this down ASAP. It doesn't make any sense. How can he even do this?"
Almost as if he heard her last question, the president says, "If you're wondering how this will be accomplished, it is through something that has been a secret up until right now..."
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