"Ugh, tell me Zonks, tell me how long I've got!" Killian moaned as he paced up and down the palace library.
"I know the curse will fall upon me soon. That my devilishly handsome, roguishly chiseled good looks will swell and bulge as I become an evil oaf of a man," the new King sighed, "that I will be cursed to fall from the most handsome, lithe of men into a wobblingly fat sack of suet!"
"It'll go easier if you shut up and let me read," his sister Zonks sighed.
If Killian had gotten the lionshare of the family looks, Princess Zonkorialla had gotten the brains. Not that his short, half elf half sister wasn't pretty, in a button nose, brown eyed, freckly, skinny way, but she was plain as rye bread compared to her tall, muscular, handsome blonde brother. And not that he was stupid, but he hadn't spoken eight languages by the time he was ten and gotten two doctorates from the magical academy by the time he was twenty either.
"Oh I suppose I must," the newly crowned King groaned dramatically, "sit here and become an obese, evil, hateful tyrant!"
Zonks sighed again. Her brother might be a seasoned adventurer and swashbuckler, a man of the people who wanted everyone to be happy and to prosper, might be the first good king in generations but he was also a born drama queen.
"The good news is you won't turn evil," she said, looking up from the strange book, the Codex Corpulentia that generations of royal wizards had added to to try and solve the particular curse, "Dad it turns out was just a dick."
"Oh thank god. At least I will not blight my subjects with more than my hideous visage!" the King sighed.
"And you won't get fat," she brought up, "unless, well, unless you want to get fat instead of your Queen."
"Hold on, wait a tick and explain," the Killian said, pulling himself up from a useful fainting couch.
"Well, here's the short version," Zonks sighed, pulling open the book to the very start to show a picture of a handsome rugged King and a slender, gorgeous Queen staring into each other's eyes, "300 years ago, King Alexander and Queen Tymeria got married to found the nation. Everything was great, they were young and beautiful and in love and then well, what usually happens with that does. That's when things started going wrong."
She turned the page with a flick of her wand, showing a disinterested Alexander looking to a svelte serving girl to the side and a very, very pregnant Queen Tymeria glaring at him.
"Knocked up with triplets on the wedding night. Her figure never recovered and he never recovered interest," another wand flick showed the fit Alexander cavorting with a slender mistress while a very chubby Tymeria wept.
"What a bastard!" Killian grunted, drawing his rapier, "the man should be horsewhipped through the streets! Cheating on his wife, the cad!"
"Killian he's been dead for two hundred and eighty years, don't interrupt," Zonks sighed, "so Tymeria prayed and prayed and when the goddess of love couldn't give her her banging body back well, she decided to direct her pleas lower. She prayed to the Goddess of Perversion to curse the King: all of his paramours would upon sleeping with him grow immensely fat and in exchange gave up her immortal soul."
"Okay, that's, well that's pretty bad too," Killian said.
"It is. Tymeria was sucked down to hell that very night and when the King decided to marry his prime minister's daughter, well" Zonks said, turning the page to show a slim woman gorging her way out of a wedding gown, "Fat wife followed fat wife followed fat wife. The later ones started getting fat just after being proposed to and when he stopped marrying to cheat the curse, his mistress woke up four hundred pounds heavier. She was his best generals wife too and well, that was the end of King Alexander. The curse though stuck to the Kingdom."
"But, Mom wasn't fat," Killian brought up, causing Zonks to pull up a picture of his dearly departed mother, a slender, graceful woman with his long blonde hair.
"No, but its the monarch's spouse," Zonks pointed out, pulling up a picture of his recently killed father on their wedding day, slim and fit, and then a year later with tits bigger than the queens, "Dad married your mom, killed your mom and the curse decided he counted as monarch and spouse both."
"Well, serves the fat bastard right, the blighter," Killian said, remembering killing the tyrannical bastard, "But, I'm in love Zonks, so in love it hurts! And I don't want her to get fat, she'll hate getting fat! You know how she is."
She groaned, rubbing her eyes, "Yes, I know. But if you don't get married it will rebound onto you..And then you'll explode. I'm not speaking metaphorically either. They'll be cleaning you out of the chandeliers if you're not married within a year of your coronation."
Killian counted on his fingers, "Wait, wait its...June. And I overthrew dad last July...oh crap."
"Yes, Killian crap," Zonks sighed, "so, you've got to get married, so your queen gets fat rather than you going boom."
"Hmmm, well, I hate to make her get fat though. She'd hate that and she might die from it," he meandered.
"Well, no. I'm not gonna lie and say she'll be in shape. She's gonna get real damn big real damn fast. But if she eats a lot of vegetables, stays active and takes the right potions she can have a long happy life," Zonks told him.
"Still, you know how proud she is of her figure," Killian whined.
"I can make a potion that makes her happy with getting fat and one that will turn you into a grade A chubby chaser too," Zonks sighed, "now stop whining and go to your fiance and say you have to get married early because otherwise you will explode."
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