I wrote Mr. Plumber a check. Of course, it's more than likely that Mr. Plumber will hear from Mr. Banker because I forgot to put Mr. Signature on Mr. Check. (Silly Mr. Me)!
Besides, I couldn't just leave without tying up a few loose ends around here. So composed a note to Mr. Plumber, as follows:
Dear Liquid (he just hates it when I call him that),
It is time for me to go out into the world and find whatever fate that awaits me. Attached, please find the check for the last month's rent which should make us 'good." A couple of minor things, if you could be so kind...
1) My goldfish, Herman...please feed on occasion as that little fella means the world to me. He seems to be working on his backstroke an awful lot the last few days, so please keep an eye on him. Thanks.
2) My hamster, Gerald...please find him and feed him...he went AWOL a few days ago but he must be around somewhere...
3) My iguana, Igor...he sort of snuck off too; you might check around any green, leafy plants in apartment complex...Thanx a bunch
4) Most importantly, my pet boa, Barney...I can't find him either but he sort of stormed off in a huff a couple of days ago because I forgot to feed him. Wait ...that might explain the disappearance of Gerald!
Come to think of it, there were signs of a struggle. In any case, you might want to contact the zoo if you have questions re: Barney. Some things are best left to the professionals
5) As far as turning off my electricity, gas and cable, don't worry, as I already have taken care of that. According to recent communications with various collection agencies, those items should be shut off very soon for non-payment. That reminds me...If some guy named "Big Louie" comes around asking for me, please be cordial to him. You see, I ran up some gambling debts, and in a moment I (and at some point, you) will surely regret, I forged your name as my cosigner. Big Louie may be very understanding provided he gives you the opportunity to speak.
6) Also, that punk kid Jarrod (he prefers that you call him James) is dealing drugs in the apartment next door. I wouldn't rat him out under normal conditions but he's such an awful musician I felt I owed it to the other tenants. And, oh yeah, he told me that you liked to be called "Liquid."
Anyhoo, I'm off to find my fortune. Best Wishes,
Suite 327
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