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thoughts at the moment |
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I feel it is necessary to attend local (and sometimes uncomfortable ) social events within various venues in order to make myself seen, known, transparent, and “a part of” the community. I have been in denial that I actually live in my hometown. I deserve and need to make a connection with these people. I am not under lock and key, nor under anyone’s supervision. I already missed a great opportunity last Saturday directly due to the situation in which I allowed him to place me after we arrived, I saw people I had not seen in 5 years, 10 years, even 15. But as he began to point out that we did not need to stay due to the fact that there were no seats, the band was not due to play for another hour, and he did not know anyone, I realized I was in a fish bowl and we were arguing and I wished not to portray this image. I agreed, “Yes, lets leave, I wish no longer to stand here and argue with you”. So we did. I need to take into consideration his age, maturity, and experiences-----BUT IT IS SOOO HARD TO DO WITHOUT FEELING HOSTILE!!!! Now he continues to parade his mediocracy/immaturity/ignorance. “Don’t even talk to me”, he snaps, as I question him about how he could justify smoking half my personal weed. Is this any conversation objective I should need to settle for? Have I really gone that far??? I still love him, of course, sometimes more and more each day. After 4 ½ years, that feat is rare. Realistically, we should not have even made it this far. But we have been through some pretty rough times together. With 9 years between us, it had to be. The relationship experience is like night and day. I sometimes long for a long, intimate, intellectually stimulating conversation. Is it only because it is impossible that I yearn for it? |
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