Only Chapter One

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Thank you for your submission and the pretty gps.

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Hello, Lighthouse guy!

Thank you for requesting a review from "Only Chapter One " 

Before I start, do not forget,
writing's an art, so do not fret
if you should find that I am blind
to your fine flair, and be aware
this opinion — it is but one.

When approaching your opening chapter, I'm searching for specific elements that separate the chaff from the wheat, and each will be addressed under a different header.


Hook — does your opening have something that stops this reader putting down your book?


Sorry for the low score here, but you have some big issues in your opening. Let's address them one by one, starting with the biggest.

1) Nothing actually happens until paragraph six, and that's only closing a book and typing a bit. The first five paragraphs are abstract thoughts on the life and situation of the protagonist that do not place that protagonist at a particular point in time or a particular place or actually doing anything right now.

Often novels will have an abstract and telling opening paragraph. A classic example is from Tale of Two Cities:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only.

Great Expectations, too, begins with abstractions. However, some action begins by the end of paragraph three with Pip crying, which grounds the reader in a specific place and time for the actual story to begin.

Modern readers often don't have the patience of Victorians, so it's rare to find more than one abstracted paragraph with no actual grounding actions.

2) There's no significant initial conflict. Yes, the Islanders don't like him, but the fact he goes to their bar etc shows that it's not a real conflict.

3) There's no hook. Until Luna arrives on the scene, there's nothing to encourage a reader to read on.

4) Until the book closing action in paragraph six, you're 'telling' the story rather than 'showing' it. Showing is like when you watch a TV show or a play and you understand the plot and characters through their actions — through what you see them do and hear them say. You see that it's a lighthouse because the viewpoint character sees its a lighthouse, and you know about the animosity of the Islanders because there's a broken window where one of their kids threw a rock last night because he's the outsider. An added dimension to written stories is that you can also include the viewpoint characters thoughts at the time of those actions and what she smells and feels and tastes as the story unfolds. This allows the reader to 'feel' the story much more in a book than from watching a movie. A shown novel moves from scene to scene, with telling transitions from one scene to another, but most of the story unfolds within shown scenes with actions and conversations.

Your aim at the beginning of your book is to immerse your reader in a scene, which will then create the 'suspension of disbelief' — a state in which the reader is willing to accept the story as a series of real events even when they are implausible, such as sparkly vampires who like people or eleven-year-old boys who perform magic with a wand.

Characters — are they well rounded?


Luna is a great character. I like her. Solis isn't as sympathetic from a reader's viewpoint.

In order to engage your reader, you need a sympathetic protagonist. This does NOT mean that the reader feels sympathy for him, though that does work. It means that you create a character that the reader cares about, so that if the protagonist is in danger, the reader will worry, and if he might die, the reader is afraid. There are many ways to establish a protagonist as sympathetic. A classic is to 'pat the puppy', which means that the protagonist does something nice in the opening, like helps an old lady who's fallen down, or attempts first aid on a kid who's fallen off a swing. But there are many other ways, such as showing that the protagonist has lots of friends, or giving them a terminal illness to create actual sympathy.

Your protagonist is apparently hated by everybody around him, chooses to live on his own, has no actual real-world problems, and attempts to shut the door on a bedraggled girl who clearly has problems. He's more like the 'kicked the puppy' guy, the antagonist.

Essentially, you need to get readers to like him a little bit, or at least respect him. A failed man with no problems who everybody hates and who doesn't act friendly toward others is not going to be instantly liked. He needs some redeeming quality that the reader can instantly see, or they won't read on.

Plot — is it driving the story?


The main conflict is an interesting one, and the reader will want to know what's happened. It kinda reminds me of that TV show The OA. You have a clear conflict and a good chapter ending. It's just the opening five paragraphs and lack of an opening hook that let it down.

Pace — does your story feel like it's going somewhere?


Nothing happens for ages, and when it does it's brief.

Language and voice — does this reader 'feel' the story? Are your characters' voices distinct?


Your narrative is clear to read and relatively clear of errors. However, a lot of it is told narration rather than shown. I've explained that above.

Notes

But, I guess in my case and their's, that was a good thing. -> theirs doesn't take a possessive apostrophe

A jet-black typewriter, my closest friend, was waiting for me to peck at his buttons on top of it. -> aim for a succinct narrative where possible unless you're aiming for poetic style. Here, for example, A jet-black typewriter, my closest friend, waited for me to peck at its keyboard. Basically, everybody knows where the keys on a typewriter are, so why describe them?

And I certainly don’t know how you found out I was living in that hellhole. -> this hellhole, because this is where he is but that is where he was.

The all-too-familiar white, eight-pointed shape displayed itself on the center of my forearm. -> be more specific. What shape? I'm guessing you mean eight-pointed star, but you have to write that.

Settings — is this reader grounded in 'real' scenes?


Reading this, I didn't really feel that I could 'see' the lighthouse. Essentially, you just 'tell' us that he lives in a lighthouse, and that's it. Think about him closing the windows against the salty spray from the sea and the breeze disrupting his papers on the desk. Think about how none of his items of furniture quite fit against the walls because they're curved. Think about the rough, unplastered stone of the walls and the heavy timbers of the floor. See the heavy oak door, like a castle gate, built to withstand the unforgiving sea storms. Hear the calling of seagulls and the shouts of fishermen in the bay below. Make it easy for the reader to imagine this place through what Solis smells, tastes, hears, touches and sees.

Conclusion — a summary of how this reader personally felt about your chapter.


The plot is really good, and the characters are interesting. Luna is great. Solis, not so great at the moment. Have you thought about making Luna the viewpoint protagonist?

Thank you for sharing your chapter. Good luck with your writing.

Best wishes,

Bob


This was a review from "Cross Timbers Novel Workshop On Hiatis"