Under Construction - MHWA Retreat

I said I look for it... not that I ever find it. Just saying.

I actually don't think of myself as "cold" either. I think that implies emotion too actually, and I don't have it in me to be cold to people. Like... for what purpose? But it's an alright substitute for emotionless I guess. Even then, I have some feelings... just not many?

I imagine that being around someone incapable of calming their ass down would be like... bad news bears for me.

But yeah, you are definitely capable of calming down. I don't remember ever being harsh with you except for ummm... Nope. I don't even know. You mean like... when you're mad at me or generally upset with me or something? I pretty much have no way of dealing with that except to be like, "This is stupid. If I wanted to hurt you, I could have done something a bit more extreme than just this tiny little thing. Knock it off. I obviously didn't mean it in that way." That type of thing. Logical, really. I imagine that could come across as super harsh, now that I think about it. If that isn't the type of stuff you mean, then... I don't know when I'm harsh. But like, the intent obvs isn't to hurt you. Why would I do that?

Anyway, for me, those things (where people are upset with ME) tend to come out of nowhere. Like, there's no warning signs that I pick up on... and you know BPD tends to swing really fast like that. So, everything is cool... then it's freak out time... and I'm like, dafuq? Totally willing to own my part of it though. Like, sometimes being calm is the worst thing you can be when someone else is upset. I can't tell you how many times I've had someone crying and screaming in my face, "You don't even care!" I find that pretty fucking annoying. Like, why would I be sitting here with your hysterical ass if I didn't care somehow? Fuck you, fuck off, goodnight.

I do try to be a bit more careful with my BPD friends in that regard though. If I know someone has abandonment issues or trust issues, I tend to not be quite so blunt about things. Even if I get like... mildly vicious, I hold back a whole lot. Basically, even if I'm as close to angry as I get... you've never seen me past 'mild annoyance' level, I'd say. Not aimed AT you anyway. I wouldn't do that.

I guess that's where reading about other people's issues comes into play. I sorta treat them like a set of rules. It's that ummm... intellectual form of empathy? Where I can reason out how people are feeling, but I have to try? I like to know a person's default emotional states... the 'package settings' or whatever. If I can understand that, then I can understand a bit better what they might be feeling when they flip shit.

And you're right... my general goal for any of my BPD friends is to prevent that fucking spiral. I pretty much despise the spiraling out thing. Because it does no one any good and drives me nuts. Especially since it usually amounts to them thinking they're terrible and all of that, and me being like, "Dammit... if you were terrible, I wouldn't bother to talk to you. You're good at all these things... you need to snap out of it. Tell me one thing you're super amazing at. Right now. Tell me." And if they don't or can't, then it's an even deeper slide into misery. And I can occasionally muster up some amount of sensitivity... sometimes. I try.

This is like... probably the only mental health issue that I don't have but that I understand on an instinctive level. My issues seem to mesh well with their issues or something. It's also clearly something that I'm attracted to more than other things. I guess it's one of those weird unknowns. Like... what's my obsession with abandoned things? *shrug*

Hmmm... I don't think of practical things as "support" I guess. Like, if someone is freaking out about something, practical solutions is just... the obvious thing. I generally assume that it isn't what people want or need. It's just all I've got for them.

I also legit never thought of you and me as a support system before. Ummm... seems pretty clear that you're it for me though. I had absolutely no idea that you considered me part of your support system either. Like, seems pretty obvious now too I guess. And really... you don't meltdown that often. Usually, it's more like... mini-meltdowns that can be talked out or whatever.

Dude... that night though, it did NOT seem like a good thing to share with your professor... or even know about your professor. Like... how in the fuck?


EDIT: I sorta like... forgot this was in a forum, Char. I won't delete it. But you know... I could.