Welcome to My Life

Reviewing 2013: Question 4 - Dwelling on the Negative

Does your mind continually dwell on negative thoughts and ideas?
"Spiritual Newsletter (December 28, 2005)" 

Yes, this year I worry about everything and dwell on the negative when I don't find an immediate solution. A solution usually comes with the help of family and friends, but I don't like to ask for help. I've had to ask for help this year and I don't like it. I want to be self sufficient and not have to depend on anyone or any charity organizations, but I'm going to have to start depending on them. This means I'm going to have to change my attitude or point of view.

Perhaps the problem is a my point of view. I'm 66 years old, so unless a miracle happens and I win the Publishers' Clearing House (which I doubt will happen) then I'm going to be dependent on somebody for the rest of my life. I don't like having to depend on anyone except myself. Mom was like that. My grandparents were like that; however, it's a different world then the one they were born into. The planet today is more interconnected then it was 50 or 100 years ago.

Today the butterfly effect is obvious and at work in all phases of individual, national, and international life. A person can be self-sufficient to a certain point, but not completely. I know part of my problem was lack of forethought. When I was younger I didn't worry about what I would do when I reached retirement age because I never envisioned my self living that long. I didn't envision myself dying either, but I didn't think I would have to worry about money when I turned retirement age.

I know things are going to turn out all right, but at present I can't seem to see beyond the difficulties. Last year, I was able to put aside the worries and focus on a solution to the situation, but this year it's more difficult to focus on the positive. I see the negative and I see what could happen if I don't get enough to pay the power bill or I don't have enough to pay rent when the time comes for me to pay rent. I get scared and when I get scared I want to cry. When I get scared I want to give up. When I get scared I want to withdraw into fantasy. When I get scared I stop saying my prayers on a regular basis and this is the time I should increase the prayers.

I've always had a tendency toward depression, but this year, especially this fall and winter, it seems worse then ever. I'm scared! I'm worried! I focus on the negative. I'm tired of being scared, worried, and focusing on the negative. I know something must be going right, but I can't see it. I know that everything will turn out all right in the end, but at this moment I don't see it. I need to start looking beyond the fog of the fear and worry. If I could just see something good approach, then perhaps I could focus on finding a solution, but I know that is just an excuse. I know that I should be able to find a solution without seeing something good coming toward me.

Perhaps I'm not looking at the good things I've present in my life. I maybe so focused on the negative that I can't see anything positive. Writing this has helped, at least I no longer want to cry or give up. I think I've written myself out on this subject so I'm going to post this and work on something else. I have other things to write, but I'm going to have to take a short break, say some prayer, and then get back to the computer to work on something else.

Thought of the Day

"He who puts his trust in God, God will suffice him."
         He who fears God, God will send him relief.
Baha'u'llah