Who do I still think I am??

This one's about Blogtober.

30DBC PROMPT: "Invalid Item" 

Welcome back y'all! Don't welcome me back...I didn't go as far away as it seems...or did I? No, I did. And it feels good to be back, but save the welcome wagon gas mileage, at least until you hear me out first.

I'd been experiencing computer issues...namely when I'd try logging into WDC all of my open tabs would automatically refresh (and that's when IE wouldn't just crash). Obviously, that leads to frustration, and I don't handle frustration well. And when I thought I was making progress, something completely uncharacteristic of myself happened: I became a microcosm of thoughts, even more than my own diminished sense of worth allowed me to already be. Basically, I started again to believe in myself in regards to certain things (which is normal), and then I let myself wear that "cloak of invincibility" where I get way too involved in something, only to completely shut down just as fast as I realize what I'm doing. So not only was I dealing with some technical issues, but I started to crack under the weight of criticism...words that never really bothered or deterred me in the past finally caught up to me. I was confused and angry, so I stepped away. Like a chickenshit. A coward. Because I don't like confrontation, even if I misinterpreted the point. Maybe I made something out of nothing. I know I'm being a bit obtuse, but for the first time in my life it seems like I was being dictated something that I had full control of until a certain point, and since I didn't know how to respond to it (and still don't), I bailed. A sincere "my bad" for slipping out the back door without leaving a tip or returning queries. Please know that I thought about returning to this every day since I last typed words here, but the doubt was too much to take sometimes and it really clouded my thinking...I hate writing when there's stuff going on behind the scenes of my thoughts.

So here it is...I'm back to do whatever it is I set out to do since the first day I decided to start blogging. I don't remember that exact day and that's not the point. The point is, I don't have a specific reason for doing this. The important thing is that I do it. I find that I'm much happier and I'm more at peace when I share my thoughts first and care what anyone thinks about it second. That's blogging. There's a saying..."Opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one." Well, this is my forum for that. I'm not here for the audience as much as I'm here for myself. There's always a struggle going on in my head: half of the world is telling you to look out for others first, and the other half cautions you to take care of yourself. That's a hard map to figure out sometimes...which sounds like a good reason that I've titled my three blogs the way I have. So without actually hitting the reset button, let's do this continue.

It's an unofficial month in the "30-Day Blogging Challenge ON HIATUS" , and Brother Nature has taken it by the skate buckles this go 'round. He was nice enough to let me know about it. The 30DBC and BCF are like second homes online to me...homes that don't care if I leave a few dishes in the sink or take my shoes off at the door, as long as I'm back in time for dinner and clean up after myself. I'd like to say I actually have a theme for the month picked out, but I don't, and my man Joel's predetermined "This one's about blogging" is fitting enough for me. The suit's tight and splitting at the seams (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_oAaOL6wDtY), but you'll do this for me, my friends.

October is now Blogtober. None of the pumpkin-flavored everythings you've come to love, and all of the bitterness autumn brings with shorter suns, empty pools and abandoned summer crushes. One dude's thoughts on football, hockey, and whatever else should come my way. I've missed out on a lot the last three weeks of not being around WDC, but in the greater scheme of things I never really had much to begin with and yet I'm still here. Let's make some magic this month...or at least make it somewhat enjoyable.

BCF PROMPT: "Write a piece narrating a typical day for you. If you want create a fictional character and allow him/her to experience your day."

Chh-chh-BANG! Chh-chh-BANG! I don't know about "narrative", but here...feast upon this while I think of something more appropriate to add: "This one's about the blogger's day." .

Yeah, some of that has changed, but not enough of it, no matter what I do. I bitch about what I have and what I don't have, and then I bitch about having it and what it means. To paraphrase Chuck D, if I can't change the things around me, I need to change the things around me (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CdG_6GdXJKk). It's hard to get out of old habits, it's harder to make new ones, and the in-between reveals itself sometimes as being the grossest place you can imagine yourself having to go through. You live to learn and learn to live. Days become your words when you're told you're poetic and don't believe what you're told...the world shows you more day after day when you're left to write nothing but your story for a crowd that will be surprised when you actually have something to say.

My days lately have been nothing. Not "nothing special", but nothing. I don't burden anyone, and I don't wish to be burdened. I would like more from life, but I don't want its troubles anymore. I'm not ok with some things, and I know I'll have to deal with bullshit going forward...like "Slap me in the head first, I tell you what's up, and then let me wade further through the BS". Don't kiss me and pull my pants down, and then leave me hangin'. You know who you are, Kinney and CVS.

Oh wait...that's right. I was writing about me...or something. I got sidetracked. Fucking internet...that always happens. I'd love to say I'm sorry for that, but you're not me, and you should be happy for that.

My typical day revolves around pills you shouldn't have to take and feelings you shouldn't have to have, or vice/versa. "Shrug it off" is a blessing and a curse. "Be thankful...", etc. and then some (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGw8dWWlwN4). My days are so mundane. Pointless, really. Even though I can barely walk, I've applied for jobs online and can't even get an inquiry locally. I guess that would hem up my problems with the gov't, but naw man, we (me) still here.

If you would have told me a year or two ago I'd be fucking stuck looking for a job, I would've laughed and crammed another beer through my gullet. I never asked for panic attacks, reparations, *sniffle sniffle* this cold I have, or my "friends" turning on me like I never existed, as much as I don't want to exist because of my past.

Nothing's typical. If you haven't felt that by now, you will soon I figure.

MUSICAL BREAK!!

I'm not gonna lie...I took a nap between the last part of my entry and now. It wasn't great. What started as a meditative phase wound up being another jagged run of thoughts interrupted by occasional unconsciousness. I don't have a relevant song for this segment, so I'm going with this, because I was in the mood for it earlier and streamed the entire album before I tried to access WDC.

THE DAILY BOX SCORE:

I go away for three weeks (almost) after WDC's birthday week and climb back into emails and I still don't see anything regarding the predictive text equivalent of items and stuff around here. Almost obtrusive, if you ask me. I don't like it.

Y'all see that WDC birthday tribute video? I think that was me around the 4:45 mark, holding up the photoshopped barcode. Sorry I wasn't wearing my sexy face. The YMCA hockey league champ t-shirt was all I could muster for Blackberry Central in lieu of an actual photo shoot.

I'm a nerd for this kind of stuff, I know. http://www.alancross.ca/a-journal-of-musical-things/2013/10/1/teaser-for-hawksle....

So many things to cover, and so little time in my head. Bills, Sabres, government, you name it...I missed it. If I had to be thematic about October, I think I'd like it to center around sports, which is probably the biggest diversion I have right now. Who would've thought the Bills would beat the Ravens? The Sabres aren't gonna be great. Stay tuned for more sports talk...I feel it comin' on this month. Unless the government shuts me down for being awesome.

I think I had a lot more to add, because I've missed out on saying a lot the last few weeks, but the wagon is full and ready for me to pull it out and up over some of the nonsense going on in the world...I'm looking forward to adding my two, three and/or five cents toward worldly events and not-so-otherwise occasions. My words. My opinions. Be that as they may. I'm back, mawfuggas. Even if this entry took me eight hours including a nap to write. Peace, this ain't your forefather's Americana-ista-lama-lama-ding-dong-ola, and GOODNIGHT NOW!!

Oh hockey, how I've missed you.