Complex Numbers

Some Assembly Required

Okay, I'm way-out-of-proportion pumped for the Avengers movie. Yes, I am a movie geek and a comic book geek, so this is like... one of the highlights of my life. As a proper geek, I already have my tickets and will be viewing the midnight show tonight.

In preparation for this blessed event, I've been neglecting my actual projects (work, writing, home maintenance, eating, showers) in favor of watching all the Avengers tie-in movies: Iron Man. Iron Man 2, Captain America, The Incredible Hulk, and Thor. (Silver is 2 to the 5th Power , I'll be writing more once I've seen Avengers. Pinky promise.)

So I was watching Hulk last night and I commented on it to my friend PuppyTales , who proceeded to relate to me the Greatest Movie Synopsis Ever, which I don't feel right posting because it's not my work. I will if she gives me permission.

But it reminded me that the character of Emil Blonsky, the movie's biggest bad guy, was portrayed by Tim Roth, whose other notable role was a petty thief in Pulp Fiction.

In the Avengers tie-ins, one of the main characters is Nick Fury, portrayed by professional badass Samuel L. Jackson.

Fury does not appear in Hulk, though he's in the other tie-ins, and so I feel like Marvel missed out on a great opportunity here.

See, they could have had Fury and Blonsky meet in a diner, as he did with Tony Stark in IM2. Best, Fury has the Cosmic Cube with him. The Cosmic Cube is that thing in Captain America that the Red Skull opens a box and it glows in his face.

With me? Yes, they missed the opportunity to riff on the scene in Pulp Fiction between Jules and Ringo ("Pumpkin.")

I'd pay to see that.

I'd pay TRIPLE to see that.

And Marvel blew it.

There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon you." Now... I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, that meant your ass. You'd be dead right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. See, now I'm thinking: maybe it means you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here... he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. And I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Blonsky. I'm tryin' real hard... to be the shepherd.


In researching this blog post, I discovered that Pulp Fiction came out 18 years ago. There are people who can vote this year in the Presidential election who were not alive when that movie was made.

I'm going to go crawl into a bottle now and imagine how things would be different if Tarantino had directed the Avengers universe movies.


Edited to add:

With permission, Puppy's movie synopsis:

"The Incredible Hulk.

In which Tyler Durden's alter ego has stolen Aragorn's elf girlfriend, and must fight Pumpkin."