Work in Progress

No More Running Away

I had a tough weekend. Oh, not a bad weekend...I had some fun...went to see Harry Potter on IMAX (do it!)...relaxed a little. That part was good. My workouts fell a little flat. I was struggling with my current goal to run for twelve minutes. I don't particularly enjoy running...I am not at the point yet where I get that second wind that pushes me on. So it's always hard...especially when I know that I need to run farther and longer every time. A minute doesn't sound like much but when you're heart feels like it's about to burst out of your chest it can be endless.

So running and I had a little spat over the weekend. I ran on Friday - seven minutes and it wasn't horrible. I ran on Saturday, too, but somewhere in the middle I had the bright idea to check my heart rate only I couldn't get a reading so I hit what I thought was the scan button. Unfortunately, on the treadmill it's the cool down button. I completely lost focus, had no idea how long I had already run so...I quit. I got off, stretched a little and did twenty-five minutes on the arc trainer and some weights. The workout helped, but I still felt defeated.

I spent most of Sunday in a bit of a funk. I talked myself out of going to the gym in the morning and again in the afternoon. But after talking to my Mom over dinner, I reordered my current playlist, changed my clothes and went. It was better than the day before. I ran for eight minutes and did another twenty-five on the arc trainer. By the time I left I felt better both physically and emotionally but I was still feeling like this goal was too hard, that I wasn't going to make it.

Monday was my planned day off, but I spent the evening feeling guilty...feeling like I should have gone, even if I just ran. Maybe I should have but I also know that my body needs rest, too.

Tonight was one of my sessions with my trainer. I knew this morning that my head wasn't where it needed to be so I emailed April and told her what I was feeling. I was in self-defeating mode and I needed help to get out of it. I knew when I told her about my issues with running that she was going to make me run tonight. I guess that's why I did it. I was close to giving up on this goal and I really didn't want to do that. I needed to regain my focus and suck it up.

She made me run. Not for eight minutes, or nine. No...she pushed me to ten...by hiding the time (it makes me nuts!)...by telling me about her weekend...by commenting on what was happening on the news. My throat was dry, my heart was pounding but I did it. It was one of the toughest workouts I've had yet. At various times I was light-headed, had a splitting headache, my face turned beet red and burned and my legs started shaking uncontrolably. It wasn't pretty, but I feel so much better about everything. I know that I can run for ten minutes...so why not twelve? It's going to happen. I'm done running away. It's time for me to run towards my dreams.

It's also time to stop dwelling on what I don't like about running on the treadmill. I need to focus on how good it is for my heart, how many calories it burns, how much it boosts my metabolism and how empowered I feel when I am done. So, tomorrow night I'll pump up the volume on my iPod, put a towel over the annoying timer and knock out eleven minutes. As long as I believe that I can do it, then I will do it. I'll run with my mind fixed on where I want to be and what I want to achieve on this journey.