500 words a day

556 words 13th July 2009

Boredom is a topic that often crosses my mind, both at home, when I’m sitting down and can’t think of what to do or when I’m at work in a psychiatric hospital and am often told that patients are bored. What does boredom actually mean? Does it mean you can’t think of anything to do? Does it mean you can think of things but don’t think you can do them or that they will be interesting in any way? Or does it mean that you think of things to do and like those things, want to do those things but have no confidence that you’ll be able to do them effectively or with any chance of enjoyment or a sense of satisfaction or achievement.  All of those things apply to me from time to time and to clients I work with.





I remember as a child when none of my friends were available and I would go to my Mum, who was often busy doing some sort of Mum- stuff or other and didn’t have time to play, and she would come up with a few suggestions: ‘why don’t you draw a picture’, ‘why don’t you play with your cars’, ‘ why don’t you... blah blah blah’.  It wasn’t what I wanted to hear. What I really wanted, but didn’t actually realise or did realise but didn’t verbalise for some reason, was for her to play, whatever it was,  engage with me Mum, come on. Sit down here on the floor, draw with me or play with my cars with me, or anything else. That’s what I wanted.





Now as a 48 year old man, I still feel that child-like urge. My girlfriend may be upstairs working on her latest animation, it’s a Saturday, I don’t have to work,  I don’t need to do anything in fact. But I start to feel as if I should be doing something or I ought to be doing something.  I read for a while, I play computer games for a while, I think about writing then decide I can’t do that, its too scary. My novel, which I’ve probably written about 50,000 words of, has been left untouched for 6 months or more and I can’t seem to go back to it. I expect disappointment or inability to pick up the thread or fear that when I finally do work out where it’s going it’ll be a massive anti-climax.





At these times I want someone to play with, sounds childish but its true. We’ve moved in the last couple of years and don’t have nearby friends so its hard to arrange something at short notice. I miss that and I am still not very good at entertaining myself. I often crave free time when I have nothing to do and when I have it I can’t seem to make use of it in a meaningful way. It really pisses me off.





I hope that by writing, anyting, each day, 500 words at keast I’ll get that feeling back again, he feeling that something new and exciting is coming ut on the page. I am making something, I don’t know what it is but I want t kep going to fins out. Seems like I haven’ had that feeling fr a long time and I’m hunting it dwn from today.








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Steve Wybourn





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