Despertar

rain, a water cleanse

Sorry to hear it, Caroline. I really am.

*

Some days it's hot, some days it's cold. Today it's raining. I feel a little like shit. A little shitty, at least. Sore because I'm not eating much this week; I go to class, I go to the gym, I overexert myself in an effort to sort of battle the feeling of physical emptiness. The jeans fit, but my limbs are sore. I'm kind of bored with it, to be honest. I love looking in the mirror these days, but I don't get buzzed off of the soreness anymore.

I drink so much water, I have to pee at least eight times a day. That is a seven hundred percent increase over my normal rate.

*

I think I'm reaching a turning point with Justin. A fish-or-cut-bait point, maybe. It really, really, really sucks to give that voice, even here, but I'd just be lying by omission otherwise. I feel the same way I always did about him, and I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that, that I can carry on with the plan I had for the spring and summer, for us, but certain things are becoming ridiculous, even I can see that. I talked myself down from being furious about Costa Rica, got past it, particularly once he got back and sort of subtly made it up to me over the next few days. But then, little minor things started piling up on top of earlier minor things, and I'm too exhausted to parse out what's worth dealing with and what isn't.

A few weeks ago, President's Day, Hugh was having a party at his house. Justin and I had tentative plans to hang out, so I texted him: "Hey, what time are we getting together tonight?"

He texted back: "I think I'm going to go to Hugh's party for a while, you should come."

Which, in fairness to Justin, fine. We are both night owls, and we have a strong precedent that consists of late movies, late dinners, late everything, which enables us to do other things first, go to Hugh's party without sacrificing our alone time later. Hugh is my friend anyway, so I decided to shower, get dressed and go to the party too. As I was showering, I realized I'd probably want to drink and not have to stress over a ride home, so when I got out of the shower, I texted Justin again: "If you haven't left already, can I have a ride to Hugh's?"

As it turned out, he had left already, but rather than finding that out through the obvious return text, which should have come immediately, I found out half an hour later, after I waited around at my apartment for twenty minutes, then ultimately drove myself there and found Justin already sprawled out on Hugh's couch. His face buried, practically, in his cell phone, sending and receiving texts, so I know he saw mine, just ignored it. I floated around saying hellos, then finally plopped down beside him, gave him a kiss, said, "Hey, I waited for you to let me know about the ride, did you not see?"

"I saw," he said, "but I was already here." He smiled, and his smile is gentle and innocent, and someone was already setting a glass of wine in front of me, and I convinced myself I was over it.

We stayed at the party for a long time, interacted in ways that were fine and satisfying, left together, he spent the night at my place afterward. I forgot about it completely, but now it's coming back to me because it's sort of symbolic of the niggling little things that keep me tense and insecure about this relationship. He wants my commitment but he doesn't want me hogtying his; he's happy to be near me but he is repelled by the idea of accountability. I've created a situation in which he doesn't feel like he has to show me basic courtesies like answering my requests.

I haven't called him in two days, and as unproud of this as I am, it's because I'm waiting to see how long it takes him to bridge the space between us himself. I switched my silver wrist bangle to the opposite wrist as a reminder to self, don't call Justin. Don't call Justin, don't call Justin. At every point throughout the day when I'd ordinarily call or text Justin, I'm squeezing a squeezy ball instead.

It's a Justin Cleanse. I completely hate it, I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I have to find out whether I can exist in a relationship without personally pushing it along.

(To those who have designs of coming out of the woodwork, after not commenting for weeks, to tell me what a terrible relationship I'm in, please, please don't, because that's exactly why I feel unsafe writing honestly about Justin most of the time. It's hard enough to be objective about my feelings without getting beaten up over them.)

Both of my best friends are in stages of being comfortably, mutually in love right now.

*

Taking a brief break from Follow the Leader. Partly because, as Aaron pointed out recently, the game has more impact when it's not one round after the other, a boom-boom-boom series with no refractory periods in between. But also because it literally almost drove me crazy how many people flaked last time. I feel like I'll know when it's time to open it up again.

Is that self-important of me?

*

I wrote a piece of that novel. Right about the instant I finished the second paragraph, the entire plot unfolded and revealed itself to me with the clarity of a fully diagrammed literary how-to. Now I'm feeling even less qualified.