The Five Strands of A Sedentary Empress

What? No Prompt?

It's like I don't know how to write without one.

For the record, I write more when I'm in hiding. It's my escape, my therapy. I am purging and attempting to focus. I don't want to write about how I'm feeling at the moment, so I took another survey from Mood's journal. She always finds the best/weirdest ones.

1. Tell me a song that you're ashamed to say you like?
'I Kissed A Girl' by Katy Perry. Most of the reason I am 'ashamed' is because she's no longer a media darling, and I caught on to the song long after it had enchanted everyone else. I don't listen to the radio and I don't have a music channel anymore, so I rely solely on the internet and recommendations from bloggers as to what I should be listening to. I heard this song while standing in an ice-cream store with my sister and I remember perking up instantly. 'You like this song? Oh god, I am so over it. It's on all the time.' But, I liked it. Still do.

2.Okay, you don't look so good, what's on your mind?
I am pre-menstrual, and I am thinking that this one is going to be particularly vicious. I've been feeling sort of ill all morning and I know it's partly the upcoming cycle. Last month I was really late but it wasn't painful or intrusive. This month's train seems to be pulling into the station on time and it's really, really noisy.

3.That's nice, now, what's REALLY on your mind?
I'm in the midst of an anxiety phase. M. thinks it's low blood sugar, as my blood pressure is 'beautiful' at the moment, so the dizziness and what I perceive to be accelerated heartbeats don't really fit with plain old anxiety symptoms, and he may be on to something. But, I know anxiety is playing a huge role in this, because it's been my life for nearly nine years, now. I am sick of it. I am tired of being beaten down by an invisible attacker.

4.Tell me about that guy you like?
He's tall, about 6 foot 3, blonde, blue-eyed and has great upper arms. He's the most reasonable person I've known, most days, which is why when he isn't, it really throws me. He is also the smartest person I've ever known, and I am as intimidated by this as I am enamoured.

5.Why do you like them? And be real this time.
He's exceptionally kind. He's almost pious with it. I don't think I've ever seen him be rude to another living being, and it's so foreign to me, so unlike myself that I can't help but be attracted. He's the one who makes me see how useless being stupid/offensive is. I think the world took on colour when I met him.

6. Time to be true to yourself, are you REALLY over your ex?
I'm not sure. I think about him a lot, but not as much as I used to, which is a relief. I don't yearn for him, though, I don't miss our life together and I don't think about reconciling. I miss the days when I believed in him and I, though. It felt pure. It's getting easier for me to see that it wasn't really supposed to be forever, even though I tried to blame him for our ultimate parting. I suppose I was trying to make myself the victim in that, like it wasn't my fault, but it was. I'll take half the blame and I admit that we were not a good match.

7.What did you REALLY go home thinking after he/she spoke to you last time?
The last time we spoke in person was one of those once-in-a-lifetime experiences which you know should have been captured on film. We were in a parking lot outside our lawyer's office, having just signed off on the sale of our home, and the mood was one of utter grief. It was monumental, signing off on a life we had thought would be forever, and I was crying about it. He asked me to come sit in his truck so he could comfort me, and I did. He told me about how he'd tried to date a few women but couldn't go through with 'it', because all he thought of was me, he only wanted me. The very idea of him dating other women sent me into a rage and I started kicking the dashboard and he had to restrain me (I can't explain the hypocrisy, I really can't). He told me he loved me more than anything, would do anything for me and he didn't want anyone else. Then, he grabbed me and gave me a long, hard kiss and the two of us cried all through it. I remember sobbing that I couldn't believe what had happened to us, that I'd love him forever (I meant it then and still do), and then I broke free from him arms, jumped out of his truck and took off in my car. That was the night I moved away without telling him. I don't know why I chose to do so.

8. Okay, be honest, are you attracted to people younger than you?
R. was a year younger. Also, there was the guy I worked with who was seven years younger. Other than these two, no.

9. Cool, how about people who are older than you?
This usually how it goes. Experience, or what I perceive to be experience because of age, turns me on.

10.Alright, ever had a crush on a teacher?
No.

11. Which time of your life would you NEVER live again, and be honest?
I suppose even the bad times had something to do with where I am now, which, despite the anxiety problems and infrequent dark periods, is a better fit. I wouldn't mind blocking out the last six months of the year 2000, though.

12. Do you ever wish that you had never met the guy you dated?
Well, there was more than one, but if you're referring to the one, I'd say no. It came to an end, but only after some incredibly romantic, intimate, sweet times. I know he loved me, genuinely, and that continues to mean a lot.

13.Honestly, have you ever thought about dating the opposite sex?
Nope. Oh, I've had the whole girl-on-girl kissing experience and I didn't really enjoy it, but to actually plan a date or establish an actual relationship? No. Really no.

14.Girls, ever thought about giving BJs?
Doesn't every girl? I mean, is this really so risque that one would only think about it? For me, it's part of the routine.

15.Do you really know the difference between Satan and Santa?
They're spelled differently, for starters. Why is this question even here?

16. Are you REALLY as good of a Christian as your parents say you are?
My parents don't really care about my Christianity, given that my dad was ex-communicated years ago and my mother has never really been anything. That said, my father is pleased we all are raising our kids in the Catholic faith, which I only partly do as my wee one has yet to be christened, but she does attend a seperate school. I don't think about it much. My mother used to tell people I was a harlot who brazenly defiled all the boys I brought home but it simply wasn't true. I was a virgin until I was nineteen, for godsake. Obviously, I exceeded her expectations in that department, except she doesn't like to tell people that. It's not as dramatic.

17.Really now, have you ever dabbled in The Craft?
A little bit. I went through my Jim Morrison phase and suddenly I was doing love magic in a candlelit room. Frankly, it did not work, and after I stopped laughing at myself and all the people who take it so seriously, I got on with things.

18. Like any oldies bands that people would laugh at you for liking?
Oldies bands are different now then they were when I was a kid. Now, Abba is considered to old. I loved them when I was younger. Oh, and Boney M obviously rocked the house. What's new for me is a deep appreciation for old standards, the kind you hear in romantic comedies with clarinets and saxophones. I well up, I swear.

19. Honestly, now, what do you REALLY think about your body?
I'm thinner now than I have been in ages so I'm feeling that aesthetically, I'm ahead. I also want to thank it for being patient through all the abuse it's taken in terms of fast food and basic sedentary living. I'm working on being better, really.

20.Have you ever dumped a girl or by, even though they just adored you?
Yes. It undid me.

21. Any stars you'd change your sexuality for?
No. I'm fairly secure in my heterosexuality and just because someone has better hair, makeup and cosmetic enhancement doesn't mean I'd get confused about whether or not they had a penis.

23. Ever start listening to a band because all the kids talked about them?
I take recommendations from people seriously, but I seldom find myself liking music that I've been told I should. Someone on this site recommended that I listen to Tegan and Sara, Arcade Fire and a couple other bands and I have to say I do like them very much. That said, I do not find that I often benefit from giving in to the hype. Music is personal. Either you like a song or you don't, and there's no forcing it.

24.Ever bought something because somebody told you to?
My best friend has a way of pushing me to buy things because she wants to spend nothing. This way, she shops vicariously. I have ended up with all kinds of weird clothing items as a result, just because they were things she didn't have the courage to buy herself. I have stopped being vulnerable to her in this regard.

25. Be honest, are you dressing the way you are because of others?
Nope. I have my own style, something in the vein of classic/feminine/dark. I hate shoes, and I like antique jewellry.

26.What stupid thing are you REALLY looking forward to?
The Oscars.

27.Get jealous when people talk about hanging and don't invite you?
The one positive thing about chronic anxiety is that you are usually relieved to be left out things.

28.Are you REALLY satisfied with watching TV on a Friday night?
If there's a great film on, yes. If not, then I'm better off with a book.

29.Be with ten guys who all didn't know each other, or girls?
This is a confusing question. I take it to mean have you dated ten different guys who didn't know each other? No. In fact, I've only dated five guys in my life. Number two knew number three, and number two also knew number four. None of them were close, though.

30.Ever had a chance with a guy that was sweet, but missed it?
Yes. A chubby boy asked me to dance in grade nine and I was nearly tripping over myself to get away from him. He was so persistent, and kind, but I wasn't having it. Cut to two years later when he outgrew the baby fat and became seriously handsome with all kinds of attention coming his way. Of course, he went out of his way to ignore me. I totally deserved it.

31.Do you REALLY mind your parents' rules?
Was this written for seventeen-year-olds? When I was a teenager (sigh), I actually was really good about adhering to the established rules. I was never wild.

33.Speaking of which, are you afraid of rejection?
This question is really stupid. Who actually craves rejection, I ask you?

34.What's an instrument you wish you rocked at?
Electric guitar or piano. Drums are too violent.