Despertar

that's what she said

I really, really, really still like Justin. It's going to get bad again, I can tell. I stayed away for weeks hoping my feelings would settle, and that we could be friends per his request, and then, almost the instant we were hanging out again, the spark was back. Maybe even worse now that the sun is out and his skin is turning all buttery.

I stayed up till four o'clock this morning, after a whole week of spotty sleep, to help him register for classes. On my way out, I kissed his forehead. On my way out two nights ago, he kissed my cheek. Far less chaste kissing has happened before, in between, since.

The shit of it is, we like each other, but he is just, and I believe this, not ready. He isn't in the mindset where he can embrace that. I would burden him and he would hurt me. It would be a bad idea. Continuing to think about it is a bad idea. I already know what happens when you hinge far too much on someone who explicitly begs you not to, but Justin isn't Marcus. I'm not the Shannon of 2005.

I think this is pure and real, I think I actually love him in a way that is only minimally fueled by frustration, but I'm sure everyone thinks that about their mate. He just, we speak the same language, he is totally imperfect and his eyes are beautiful. He missed me while I was gone and he is "so" glad I'm back.

Either it will kill me, or it won't. I guess that's how to look at it, no?

*

I met my San Francisco boss yesterday. I'm really optimistic about this summer, which will also apparently involve a two-day jaunt to San Antonio to present some stuff at this summit I'll be preparing for through the first seven weeks. I've never seen San Antonio, and I've never really seen San Francisco, so my hopes are high.

My boss is black, which I suspected from our phone interview, and which, yes, is a plus. He knew all about my college, he was responsive to my questions about the various communities around the city. I can tell he thinks I'm pretty, which is always a plus, but not in a creepy way where I'll have to tiptoe around him or anything.

It's funny, because his was the first interview I've ever done where I already basically knew I had the job, but it was also the only interview I've ever done where I didn't feel positive, afterward, that I made a good impression. I actually hung up feeling really anxious that he was going to repeal the offer on the basis of that interview, which was made awkward by three thousand miles of telephone wire. Thank God I was wrong, because San Francisco is going to be really (please please please), really great.

Oh, I guess I could ask here--does anyone know anything about San Francisco?

*

Last day of class. I officially survived my first year of law school.

Exams start in a few days. People are already zombies. Hugh and I stocked up on Trader Joe's last night, Hugh's intention being to never have to leave his study chamber again. I just wanted mango passion granola to neutralize my palate between all the orders of fried rice I'm going to eat.

*

I have a date tonight, with a guy who's not Justin. He's, did I mention him, he is perfect in every other meaningful way, and he really likes me, and he's willing to sit through all four installments of Saw.

It's really too bad for him he's not Justin.