Complex Numbers

Getting Through Turkeyday

Let me preface this by emphasizing that I like my in-laws, and I'm not just saying that because my wife reads this. I honestly do like to be around them.

The problem is when they all get together on Thanksgiving.

There are three traditions that seem to dominate on Thanksgiving Day here in the US: A turkey dinner (which is actually eaten at lunch by most people), the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in NYC (which is what's on TV), and football (American football, which is distinct from what we call "soccer.")

Of those, the only thing I can stomach is the turkey dinner. Wine helps. Wine also helps to deal with the other two things. I couldn't even allow myself to glimpse the parade for fear of beholding the Hello Kitty balloon.

There were 13 people there today (which I hope isn't some weird psychic reference to the Last Supper), and the bulk of the conversation was centered around the upcoming UVA vs. Virginia Tech football game. I'm a UVA grad; my wife went to Tech (as did my business partner, though she is into football, but of course she wasn't there). Meanwhile, some pro football game was on television. Oh, they also talked about hunting (which I don't do). My one attempt to talk about Springsteen was short-lived; there was one other fan there, and she was glad that the concert fell on her birthday.

I would have been bored silly were it not for the wine, and my brother-in-law.

He's not into football, either (nor is my wife). So while the others all sat in rapt attention before the Altar of Sports, Erik and I came up with the one thing that would make us want to watch football:

The Womens' Football League.

Now, in spite of some of the references I've made here in the past, I'm all for equality. And every other sport, up to and including rasslin', has a womens' equivalent - why not football?

Even knowing in advance the general build of the women who would be involved in such sport, I think it's hot. There would have to be a few changes made, though.

-The Quarterback would be called the Rebate (get it? quarter back?)
-The Line of Scrimmage would be termed the Line of Discrimination.
-There would not be "downs," but "tries."
-There would not be "quarters," but "periods."
-The goal line would be called the Glass Ceiling.
-There would be team names like the Amazons, the Shoppers and the Mace.
-The cheerleaders would all be gay men.
-The Blitz would be retermed The Half-Off Sale.
-It wouldn't be a Hail Mary pass, but a Hail Joseph pass.

There were a lot more, but I had rather a lot of wine and I don't remember much. I think once my wife caught on to what we were doing, she started laughing and writing them down - all three of us were laughing our fool heads off, earning us puzzled looks from the gathered family - though I think if her brother hadn't been involved she'd have dismissed my idea as being sexist.

Okay, so some of those terms are sexist, though I don't particularly care. But I think the WFL is an idea whose time has come. Equality for all!