Day by day, again

Yet another loss to bear

My father lost his fight with cancer on October 11, 2007 at 3:38pm. Even though I knew it was coming and had watched the process of his dying for over 5 days and nights I was devastated. Knowing and watching him take his last breath are two entirely different feelings. He is now at peace and I have no choice but to go on without him. I know that eventually my heart will heal but losing my father will be difficult to bear. I can only pray that eventually the good memories will outweigh the pain. That's when I know I am going to be alright.

It's strange how some people comfort you. I know they mean well but sometimes the tactless remarks made make you angry. People who have never lost a loved one in the immediate family don't understand that type of loss and I have to remember that they do not make the remarks deliberately. For the record, you NEVER "get over" losing someone you love. You simply learn to live with it. My mother has been dead for 35 years and my sister for 31 and I still miss them desperately. I still cry at times for their loss. As I will still cry for the loss of my father in the years to come.

I realize with my father's death how much I have matured over the years. As painful as his passing was I was also grateful to God. Three nights before he died I was praying with everything in my soul for God to take him soon. He woke up around midnight and for over 4 hours I gave him enough morphine to kill a healthy person before the pain was relieved and he finally fell asleep. I realized then that I could handle his death but I couldn't handle seeing him like that another minute. After talking to his Hospice nurse we decided another pain crisis was unacceptable and he was receiving a massive amount of morphine every hour in order to keep him pain free. I have always been told that cancer spread to the bone is the most painful of all cancers and I witnessed that firsthand. It isn't something I ever want to see again.

My comfort now is knowing that Daddy is now in Mom's arms and with my sister. Myself, my brother, and my living sister are taking comfort in that fact. We had him much longer that they did and now it's their turn. I pray that I can be a good enough person in the remainder of my life to join them one day.

Right now I can picture Daddy in heaven fishing. My mother and sister are fishing with him and if heaven has worms Daddy is baiting Gail's (my sister) hook because she hated "worm guts." Daddy is with the love of his life and his daughter again and is pain free, walking, and restored to good health. How can I be sad about that? The loss of him will take time to heal but I am also celebrating the fact that he is well again where he is.
I also know that he would not want me crying and being depressed over his passing.
I heard his voice in my head just after the funeral. I was sobbing, heart broken over losing him and I heard him say "That's enough of that shit." I could laugh while crying because that was my Daddy.

The one thing I will always remember is about week before his death I told him "I love you very much. You know that, don't you?" He responded with a smile and said "I do."
He will always be in my heart and I will carry him with me always.