Day by day, again

I should have seen it coming

With everything going haywire in my life right now my brain is beginning to feel like mush. Thoughts just fly out of my head and disappear when I need them yet when I go to bed and try to rest I can't shut my brain down as thoughts are whirling faster than I can grab them. Ain't life a bitch sometimes?

I started hurting a few weeks ago in joints that haven't bothered me before and I just passed it off as stress. Normally I will slow my schedule and try to get some true rest and it will improve. This time I didn't do that. Between work and home I rest as much as I can but sleeping at night is a problem. Needless to say I am now experiencing a full blown flare up of my rheumatoid arthritis and then some but didn't really attribute the symptoms to a flare up coming. DUH! Unlike some people I know at least I don't whine about my illness every day or write in a daily blog about how bad I feel. Who wants to read that? Not me! I already live with it. That's enough.

A visit to my rheumatologist got me an anti-inflammatory, sleeping pill, more blood work and xrays (thanks to the erruption of nodules at the joints) and a discussion of the newer drugs on the market for auto immune disorders. Since prednisone didn't do much good this time my doctor is talking about starting Enbrel or a similar drug. According to him Methotrexate, which I took for years, no longer protects the joints as well when taken for a period of years. A small dose along with one of the newer drugs has been shown to reduce inflammation by more than half. WOW!

Dr. Vivas did say that not sleeping was the worst thing I could do (or not do). Fatigue is already a problem with this disease but becoming more fatigued is a precursor to a major flare up which I discovered on my own. BUT...I just can't take the sleeping medication he gave me. I am terrified that Daddy will need me and I won't hear the phone. I just can't take the chance right now. I have been sleeping a little better and this weekend I took a nap for a few hours both days. That's the best I can do. I will only take something to help me sleep if it reaches a critical point and then I want my son to stay up in case the phone rings. He's a night owl anyway.

If my father needed me and couldn't get in touch with me I think it would push me over the edge right now. I am holding together pretty good. I haven't even really cried over his impending death. I am afraid if I start crying I won't be able to stop and I will just start falling apart piece by piece.

So...I put on a happy face, try to walk normally so he can't see how bad I hurt, and spend as much time with him as I can. If I don't feel well enough to see him or can't hide the stiffness and pain, I call him. Right now I am pleased that Hospice has him pain free and is there in case he needs them. He is eating better since his pain is controlled and he now realizes that he will not die like my mother, in agony.

I take each day as it comes and make the best of it. Right now I can't do anything else.