My Life Questions

True Friends

The people I went to High School with, saw every day, told my darkest secrets too, would have taken a bullet for live 14 hours away from me. I keep in touch with those I was closest too and when I go back for a visit, I see 90% of them and its very pleasant. Howeer, Ive come to the relization, I have no friends there at all. Well, thats extreme...I dont have the friends I thought I did.
In High School I had a close cirlce of friends that I rarley strayed from. I knew lots of people outside of our click and hung out with them the odd time but in the end, my friends were my number one and I never had any secrets from them. I told them things as they happened, good or bad and assumed that they were non-judgemental. I was wrong.
I had a lot of boyfriends in Highschool, most of whom I stayed friends with afterwards. I never slept with someone I went to high school with while I was in high school. I never started a roumour althought I did sometimes not stop myself from helping pass one along. I did not ever blow off my friends for a boy and unless I was asked to put in a good word with a boy about one of my friends...ever tell them "my friend really likes you". Even within my cirlce of friends, I didnt often share the others secrets. If one of my friends confessed their huge crush for someone, I didnt run off to tell the other friends. There were cases where I told my other friends if I was worried like a good friend would do.
I made some bad choices for myself. For example, I would go to a party, drink a little to much and maybe get a little to friendly with a boy. They were never attatched to a significant other. It was never someone that I knew one of my friends was after. It wasn't even that often someone I went to school with. It was just something I shouldnt have done. However, now its all coming back to bite me.
Ive always known that girls unconscienly talk about girls behind their backs, its common knowledge anywhere you go. I didn't know though, that my friends that I was such an awful person.
At my birthday party with my High School friends, a friend of mine that they didnt know so well, attended. When I wasnt around they told him basically that I was a slut and that I would basically rip his heart out for the fun of it. He hasnt talk to me since.
When I went out after New Years, one of my friends brought a potentioal Boyfriend of theirs. I was sitting across from him and was just making general conversation. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT SNOW!!! Ileft to go to the bathroom and a few of my friends decided to tell him that Im manipulative and superficial.
What kind of friends are out to sabatoge?
I'm really into a boy friend of mine back home. My last visit out there we fell for eachother. We are not dating, just talking, but there is definatly something there. I didnot know that my best friend though, likes him. When we kissed infront of her, obviously it hurt her. When she told me how she felt for him, I apologized and ment every word of it. I would never do that to her, she's my bestest. Him and I now just talk.
I haven't told him how she feels for him. I made up an excuse about the distance which is also a huge concern. Anyway, I keep putting in good words for her that she doesnt know about...but he doesnt like her, because of what she and the other friends say about me and eachother behind their backs. No matter what I do at this point, it doenst sound like she has a chance because girls will be girls.
He's been telling me what their saying with out telling me who specifically said it. I know who goes to these parties though so it all gets narrowed down pretty good.
They make me sound like a god awful person. I've made mistakes but they never effected them. There were times I was selfish and wanted to talk about my problems but they did the same and I always listened. I did my best to make time to hang out with them as often as possible. I stood up for them even when I knew what they were being accused of was true. In break ups I tried not to take sides although sometimes it didnt always work out. If they asked me a question about something, I was always honest.
Some of what they've told this boy, I have done. Some of it is so embelished that there is no truth behind it, its been lost. Either the source who told them screwed it up or they were trying hard to make me look bad. Then there are some things, I didnt even know I did.
I decided in grade ten after being accused of making out with a popular boy at school, that I should be over honest with people. They accused me of making out with him and I told them the truth. Yes, Popular boy was at the party and we talked, but I didnt swap spit with him. I sucked face with that Nerdy Kid over there. No matter what the truth was, it didnt look good but atleast it was the truth. Ive done that ever since. "Yes I slept with him" "No I was never pregnant" "No I didnt cheat but the thought entered my head. Thats why we broke up" Its much easier.
I thought my friends knew this...but I think theyve chosen to forget. I'm having the worst time I think Ive ever had right now, and I cant talk to my parents about it. I want my friends. But even though theyre really far away, Im to afraid and hurt to pick up the phone and call them. Im afriad theyll just spread it around, use it against me, twist my words and just distort me. Im not a bad person. I think overall, Ive been a pretty good friend, never perfect...but really not bad.
I'm probably the most hurt Ive ever been...and that says alot.

Why do people do this?
How am I supposed to talk to them about this?
What made them silly enough to think that I wouldnt find out?