Mental Meanderings

Is falling asleep...

Ok, I'm wiped out. I don't understand why I'm so tired. I started feeling half asleep about 8PM and it's not even 10PM now but my brain feels like it's gone into shut down. I'm hanging out in scroll and when I mentioned not knowing what to write here they dropped a few topics that would work, if I had a brain. lol

I mean they were great topics but I don't want to write about them if I can't give them full justice. So instead I'll just let my brain wander in this space between wake and sleep.

Had a few thoughts cross my mind today about some story ideas. In fact Forge is up to his creative tricks again having created a great new interactive "Invalid Item"  It's about a character Ixia who is a shapeshifter who can metamorphisis into anything at all. Anyway, we were talking about his interactive, how to edit it to make it more detailed extra. This was before he'd announced the name of the character and I thought he could name it something interesting that means something that relates but is unique and interesting.

Anyway, he went with Ixia which is good because my head started spinning out a character. Her name is Metanoia and she's a shapeshifted. So far there is just her but I have a really strong tug from her and I want to develop the concept. When I picture Metanoia in my mind she reminds me of a character I've envisioned before. I never new that womans name but she was magnificent. I'm too asleep to really develop her at the moment but she's definately a character who's story I'd like to tell.

There are a few other characters I need to develop as well. Emma and Jake from The Dating Game for example. I wrote the first draft and one of the most noticable things is how lacking in dimension the two main characters. I realised I hadn't allowed myself to really know them. I couldn't bring them into my life the way I need to. So that's one of my near future goals. To really focus on making Emma and Jake real. *sighs* I mean one of the biggest issues is that even her name is interchanging at the moment. Emma or Emily. Both are two very different people and I have to discover which she is.

Character development is something really important to a great story. They have to exist in my mind. I've found that I can achieve it with poetry. Two of my recent poems show how well I can fall into the voice of two very different characters. I'm experienced at role play so I know how to bring a character into me and make them who I am. I know how to know a character, learn who they are. And I know that the character isn't me although usually the best way to make them seem real is to incorporate elements of who I am in them.

Speaking of developing things. I'm still dedicated to the idea of writing short stories and yet they're still illuding me. So many fantastic ideas and yet how do I get it on paper. *sighs* Every time I try a part of me shouts out in rejection of the idea. Obviously something psycological is going on with all this. What is holding me back? I know all those arguements about why there is nothing to fear. I don't understand it. *grimaces* My heart is racing and breath short just talking about it here because my body and mind know I'm being blunt with myself. Digging into things it's uncomfortable revealing with my conscious mind.

What sorts of things would cause this anxiety? What is this block? Part of me says I just have to stop everything else and do it. Decide. For it's in making the decision that right this very minute nothing else matters and I am going to sit and write without interruption or procrastination when it comes into control. I deny myself any more excuses and make the moment count.

I could do that in this moment. Except of course I'm wiped out and ready to crash which is excuse enough for the procrastinator in me. And honestly, while I can't be certain it's not that fear in control again, I'm letting myself off the hook tonight. But at some point tomorrow I'm going to stop and I'm going to write, focusing completely, not on research or reviews or poetry or IM's/chat/scroll but on story. One story. From beginning to end.

And if I don't I want my blog to hold me accountable. My blog and it's readers. Tomorrow's entry will contain a link to my story. I won't blog until it's written. I won't go to bed until I blog. That is my vow. Here is to progressing my will power. "COURAGE IS BEING AFRAID AND DOING IT ANYWAY!" A quote I know I should live by.