what matters and why

for him to have her

Potential for a normal relationship. After all she has been through, it would be assumed that she would not turn down the opportunity to take that chance. Someone who says all the right things. "I want to give you what you want," She can feel her insides tightening. Nothing is free. He wants something in return. "I want to take you out." She is aware that "out" requires conversation. She doesn't know what that is. And if there is an out, he will want in. She knows she is supposed to reciprocate. He would appreciate some sort of response. It's early in the evening. He will arrive in less than an hour. Still in workout clothes, she frantically paces around the kitchen. She needs to relax. A shower, a drink. She calls a friend. "You can't let him stay," the friend wisely advises. "You need to be home early." It's already too late. He calls and is on his way. She can hear the anticipation in his voice. He can't wait to see her. She opens the door, hair still wet from the shower. She knows it is not possible for attention to focus elsewhere. He grabs her, holds her. She tenses and pulls away. He wants too much. Expectations are too high. Already. Another drink. Maybe it will ease the intensity of the situation. Her fears about him. But what's wrong? She doesn't know yet. But it has to be something, or she wouldn't feel this way.

In his truck, she talks. Too much. Her phone rings, and she gives her friend permission to meet them for dinner. Later she will wonder why. Comfort? Why can't she be alone with him. Her friend eases the situation. They drink more, and she feels better. He takes her after. He knows he will be upset that she couldn't handle a night alone with him. A peaceful evening, what is that? She doesn't love him. He treats her well, and says what he is supposed to say, but passion is lacking. Vaguely she recalls a husband she once had with the same qualities. But at this point, all is forgotten. Her husband, that life. While he puts his hands all over her in his truck, she seems to disregard reality. Attention, it seems, has temporarily fixed all life's problems. He can cure tonight.

And tomorrow, he will hurt. She has no recollection of what, where, why, when. She wants to cry but instead is sick. He is there, and she would give anything to change events of the night before. It's all too common. Who is she, what does she want? Why does she allow herself to give in? Not for love, because she's had someone who loved her more than life itself. She doesn't want that. This one, it seems has failed. All she needs, he would not be able to provide.

And that is proven with a short conversation twenty four hours later. She is upset. She has been out all night. The life of the party. "You got what you wanted," she says, softly but to the point. And it goes on for eight more minutes. Once again, recollection is vague. All she knows is she verbalized everything he needed to feel a knife rip through his heart. And no regrets. All he wanted was her. But it's not possible for this one to let go. To let herself be in a position where someone can "have" her. They can do what they want, but to let them in? Deep inside? She knows it won't happen. Not for a long time.