what matters and why

unavailable

She sees them together. And somehow, she makes me aware. Something that six months ago would not have bothered me. In two seconds I feel like there is a knife in my heart. And I don't want her to continue her conversation. She can't know that I'm crying. I knew what it was when it started. How is it possible that it hurts this much? And she has no idea. I can't say it. Not even to someone who knows me so well. Who I talk to every day. I'm crying and I don't know why. I made a promise to myself that I would never be that person. Who allows emotion to take control. Because where does that get you? I can't believe I have allowed one person to have so much control over every thought, every feeling. And that one person who is so completely unavailable. What am I holding on to? And I wonder why I am still here? She's talking about her own problems now, completely unaware that I am falling apart. To her and all others, I am okay. But something inside is breaking down and I don't know how much longer I will be able to hold that together. I can't say it. Admitting weakness is impossible. If I allow someone to effect my emotions that deeply, then what am I worth? She says that they are doing well, problems seem to be working themselves out. And it's not that I wanted otherwise. I would never wish what I have been through on someone else. But if that's true, and what problems there were don't exist anymore, why am I still here? And all I can think is this person who I had so much respect for in the beginning is so quickly losing that from me. And it started so differently. I was special. I wasn't just another person who fulfilled a need that was not getting met. It was more than that. At least for a little while. And then it changed. And now I am nothing more than a convenience. But why don't I say it? This entire time, a conversation has continued. I'm crying and she doesn't know it. I'm hurt, more than I ever thought possible. Even for me. I can't tell her how deeply I have let him in. I was given the precautions. I knew what it was. I chose this. I lose all rights to cry when it doesn't go the way I want it to.

And what if I told him how much this hurts? What if I had a more aggresive personality? Would he be forced into a decision or would this have been over a long time ago?

Two and a half years ago, I let myself cry. I realized that the picture perfect life I thought I had created was in shambles. I had nothing. I didn't even know who I was. I had been a product of someone else since the age of eighteen. I had let him decide my entire life for me. I didn't love him, but knowing that the life we had did not exist anymore was almost impossible to imagine. I realized it was possible for someone who on the outside was so perfect to slip. To allow your life to go in one direction and not make any attempt to control it. And then once you try, you're so far in that you can't get out. I wonder how he felt. He didn't know I cried. I didn't show him. He didn't know how much he hurt me. And even when he says it now, he has no idea. As I have no idea what he went through. Behavior is not excused, but sometimes I get an idea of the reason for the original problem after what I have been through this last year.

I don't know if I will ever have the strength to get out.

And the conversation ends, and I'm sure she has told me something very important about her life. I have not heard a word. The image of two happy people is not going to leave my head for a while. And the crying eventually will subside. And I will have no choice but to move on.