Zee Blog

Next Stop - Blue Street.

I can't quite shake this sadness now. It goes back to my thoughts last night of Scott still being in contact with Marne. I don't know why, but this is just consuming my mind like a wildfire through dead grass.

The one thing I didn't put in the post last night was my fear of the things he would say to her. I know that I won't say anything cruel or mean about Marne, but yet I fear what he might say to her.

The real question I should be asking myself is: "Why do I care?" Why do I? It's been over a year since the last time I talked with her, and yet here I stand 365+ days later still fearing what she might think about me.

Be mindful of your feelings. This stupid matra keeps trumpeting in my skull.

I've been trying to figure out why I have this fear. I think I know the reasons that are leading to these feelings.

I still compare myself to others and their success. Simple as that. Worse yet, is the fact that I really compare myself to my 'ex' still. It's a sick cycle. I feel like I have to prove myself to her, to show her that I'm not the things she broke up with me about.

Yet, even a year later I'm not sure I can say that I have satisfied those requirements.

My life has been, at best, a rollercoaster. With the growing peak of success comes this plunge of destruction and depression.

I'm confused about the whole thing.

A part of me hates to think that I might just have to run into Scott. To actually have to see him. For some reason I'm afraid of him, simply because he still can talk with Marne.

Ugh.

It doesn't quite make sense. My brain still can't wrap itself around it.

If I find an answer I'll make sure to write it up here for you.