A little something about nothing

Facing Death

Sunday morning as I was sleeping I heard this noise and finally realize it was coming from my door. Mark was on the other side knocking and asking if I was awake. My mom had been calling on my cell phone, which I had left in the living room. I looked at the clock as I got out of bed to run to the phone...4:30 a.m. This scared me...nothing good comes from a phone call that early in the morning.

I was right. She was calling to tell me that my grandpa had passed away. I was in shock. I couldn't even think of the right questions to ask and was completely blank on what to do. I felt like I was 5 again waiting for my mom to take care of me. I asked all the why's, how's, what's imaginable. I walked around my room trying to put on a pair of jeans and a shirt and couldn't seem to concentrate long enough to figure out what I needed to put on. In a daze I walked passed Mark as he asked me what was going on. I told him and as the words left my lips I froze. Was I really saying that...did it really happen???

I got to my car and burst into tears. They continued flowing on and off throughout my 20 minute drive. I got to the house and saw two police cars. I was nervous, but my mom got there at the same time so I felt safe. I got out of my car and one of my aunts also was getting out her car. She was not doing good at all so I went to hug her. I have never in my life had such a tight hug...it felt as if she was pulling my support right from my insides out.

We walked in together and the family was standing in the kitchen. My eyes had dried by time I walked in the house. Until they told me that my grandpa was still in the bedroom and asked if I wanted to go in there. I grabbed my mom's hand and started towards the hallway. My feet would not move. I burst into tears and walked to be by my dad. He hugged me and told me it was okay that I didn't have to go see him. My brother showed up and my grandma took him by the hand to go see my grandpa. He came out of the room and for the first time in his adult life I saw him cry. It broke my heart.

The medical examiner showed up so I made Matt go outside with me. I didn't want to see or hear anything. He left, but he didn't take my grandpa with him. We had to wait for the funeral home employee's to come pick him up. They showed up and again Matt & I waited outside...in the back yard this time.

After 3 hours of being together figuring out the game plan and everyone taking their turns with crying we all left. I got back in my car and once again the flood gates opened...this time they did not stop until I was home and back in bed.

The weird thing is I wasn't thinking about anything and they still flowed. Normally if I am sad I am thinking about the thing that makes me sad.

This is our families first death since my grandpa died when I was in 3rd grade. All the other deaths were great great aunts/uncles, which we barely new. It has not been easy and the funeral hasn't even begun. Lord, plese watch over my family.