A little something about nothing

Misunderstood

I had an interesting conversation with my friend Sue, which I was telling my mom about while we worked out last night. I was telling Sue that during my 2 days of being stuck on the couch I had a lot of time to think. Although I have thought this probably many times I am finally ready to verbalize and take action on. I have come to the conculsion that I have spent far too much time and energy focusing on Mark and need to change my focus onto my own needs/wants/desires. Not to say I am writing Mark off or that I will stop hanging out with him.

As I told my mom this she mentioned how I have the habit of giving my all to a person and pushing aside everything/everyone else in doing so. This got me thinking. This isn't completely true. I admit that I do get focused on certain things or certain people especially when they are new; however, there are times I am asked to do things I don't want to do and during the rejection that person takes it as I am preferring to do something with the new person instead of them not taking into consideration that it may be I just don't want to do what I was invited to do. Whew...that was nearly a tongue twister. Hopefully it makes sense!

I've also realized there are a lot of double standards being a single adult. As a child you are able to take your best friend with you everywhere and go everywhere with your best friend...it is just expected of you. However, doing this as an adult gets frowned upon. I understand needing to do your own thing, which as I admitted above I do need to do more of; however, with a best friend it is just a comfort you develop. Questions don't need to be asked, you just know you will be doing something with that person and 9 times out of 10 you will have fun. Also, being single you are expected to be willing/able and always available to do whatever whenever someone wants you to do them. I will admit, there are times I am completely selfish and I do not want to do anything with anyone. Maybe this is part of being single, maybe it is part of being a Cancer (known to be homebodies), or maybe it is just part of being ME. Not sure and honestly don't know how to explain it to others, but I do not like going/doing/being with people 100% of the time. Granted you hear me talk a lot about doing things with Mark, but I live with him...I don't really get the option of ignoring him too often...we don't live in a 5,000 square foot house or anything!

I also started to think about why I get so focused and give my all to new people. Not sure where it stemmed from, but I think I feel when I meet someone new...male or female...friend or love interest...that if I don't give them all my attention they will lose interest and move onto someone new. I also think I feel the need to feel important to someone and by being their closest friend/lover I will receive this feeling. YES, I realize this is not a healthy way to think, but the first step is realizing it, right?! All I can say is I am working on it. For those of you that have been hurt, felt neglected or left out during the years I apologize. I can't change the past, but I will work on the present and future.