Personal Journal

My "date"

I don't know precisely what it means when I put quotes around a word as I do sometimes. It means I'm having a hard time reconciling the standard term most other people would use with the way I mean it in that instance.

"Date" to me means... well, the only reason that my date with Brenda on Friday wasn't a date, by my definition, is that I purposefully assured myself that I wasn't trying to get anything but an enjoyable evening out of it - no setup for another date, no kiss, nothing beyond the night and getting to know Brenda more, since she was a friend of a friend, and we didn't see each other more.

I had a good time - the conversation flowed between us very easily. She's smart, I'm smart. She's interesting, and I guess she found me interesting enough. I found out from a third party that Brenda later described our date as one of the best she's had in a while. That's a nice enough compliment that I'm appreciatively flattered.

The blues guitarist, Tab Benoit, was PHENOMENAL. Brenda and I both agreed. It was a shame so few attended, but it was a helluva treat for those of us who did, all the more.

Dinner kind of sucked, actually, the food didn't meet my expectations. I love this restaurant, and am experimenting, but in sharing Brenda's food and mine, I know two things NOT to get on their menu again. But I'll definitely go back.

One of the things Brenda and I talked about was her dating, really. She's 29 and been doing the e-harmony thing (sounds like a lot of hyped advertising, folks, I know 3 women doing e-harmony with no more success than yahoo).

Brenda is some state funded forest ranger - it's kind of complicated. And she fights fires and works with a lot of hunky outdoorsy men, and is one of the few women in that circle. It was very very humorous listening to her describe how attractive all the men she works with seem to be. I don't think she was trying to put me off with any of that, it was pretty genuine appreciation of her work, which she loves.

People are so different. How the hell do people end up with the one they're with, anyway. Jean and I fell in love as intellects first, which I think is the best way for me, and let emotional and physical follow later.

Brenda and I did talk about Jean's death some. I think I brought it up, I'm not sure. It was casual stuff - sharing experiences recently with loss (she was divorced recently after a very short, rocky divorce, and it bothered her a lot emotionally till recently).

I really got along well with her, and it's strange that I have no feeling of having an interest in going out with her again. I satisified my goal - we had a good night and I got to know her better.

It's got me thinking about doing this again with someone else. I don't know anyone - I thought about calling Larisa back, but I figured damn it if I do. She is the one who needs to reach if anyone shall again - I bent over backwards the day after she stood me up.

I think about Yahoo or something free and seemingly casual, but I think most women would actually be interested in romance. And my definition of romance is pretty casual right now - no kissing, no going to one another's houses, and something that's more fun to do with a companion along than to do by yourself, like concerts, and dinners, and movies, and such. Maybe, maybe one of my walks, but I can't really see me wanting to take off my headphones on my outdoor excursions.

You know, as I wrote about not fearing death, I'm not really afraid of being alone in the romantic sense. I don't necessarily like spending my evenings in this big house as the only servant to a pride of felis familiaris, but I'm not looking to supplant the hard times with false friendship. It can be a tempting thought, but I have my rules to fall back on. They comfort me in knowing that if I follow them, I won't hurt myself or anyone else.

So do I want to go on date more ("dates")? Dunno.
I think what bothers me is the idea that either I myself or a woman who might find me interesting would test the limits of those rules. And I don't want to complicate my life doing that kind of thing. I don't know what all I have to go through over the next year (at least) in living without my Jean, but I know damn well that if I break my rules, it will be harder for me.

I would thus be inclined to say no. But frankly, I don't have ANYONE in my local area with whom I can hang out and talk to about whatever it is I want to talk about. And that need to talk but not have someone to talk to - it's ... tiresome at best. I'm not saying if I went on a date ("date") that I'd be able to talk about my grief or whatever. But I would be able to go out and take my mind off of things. And that can be just as good, if not better at times.

The only problem, then, would be that it's expensive. Well, there are probably worse things that I could spend my money on (like the aforementioned giant bag-o-weed, if you're paying attention at home). Hmmm, that might be a good justification for quitting smoking weed... I'll consider that.

I don't know, that's one for me to run by Kim, because she's the only one I think who understands how I think of my life and my needs and obligations. She's cool that way.