Monkeys

Not getting any better

I want to be with Joshua. I really really do. I had this dream today, and it's breaking my heart. I really want the dream to happen....and most of the time, they do. But in this case, because of how he feels, this one won't. In the dream, for some reason, we were getting married again, but it was obvious that we already were. But it was some sort of reaffirmation. But it was in real time. It was so odd. We had already seperated, and we were living apart, in fact I had just moved in with Steve. But there I am, telling Joshua, "nevermind, we don't have to do this." To which he replied "yes, we do. I want to." And then he kissed me. It was so real. I was thinking how good it felt, how familiar. And then we went to the wedding, where there was no preacher, so my dad headed to the front of the church to do it, and by the time I got down the aisle, Rusty was coming in to do it. We got married, and everything was so good. Then I woke up crying, I'm not sure, but I think the tears were of relief, and then once I was awake, of reality. I was alone, in my new room, in my little bed, and my heart was breaking. God I miss him. I want this to be a dream, and wake up in his arms in bed in our house. And the reality of the fact that it is never going to happen just broke me up. What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this? I know I will, because I have God on my side, but how will I do it? I hate this hollow feeling. I really do. And I am so very hollow right now. I don't really have a purpose right now, I don't have the love that I gave him....he never returned it.

You know, this week was a very hard week for me. I kept thinking that maybe I should have stayed in New York with my family. I had such a great time with them, and I miss that. You know, I didn't really post a lot about what happend there....but I will now. My dad and I had an incredible talk, and I sat in the living room just crying....because he is so right. He really is. It breaks my heart, because, while I know I'm not perfect (far from it in fact) I did try. I gave everything I had, and when I thought I had given everything I had, somehow there was more to give. And whatever I found, I gave. And now I am sitting here, so drained, so alone, so incomplete and so very sad. I don't how I'll get through this. I want Joshua back in my life, and I want to be back in his. And I want us to be happy, both of us. Unfortunatly, I don't think that can happen. I was happy with him, but he was miserable with me. There isn't a happy medium.

How pathetic am I that I just want to be so close to him again? When I got back from NY, I went to our old house, and the door was unlocked. I went in, and he was in bed sleeping. I knocked on the bedroom door, which was open, and he didn't move, so I went over and sat on the edge of the bed. He woke up then, and tossed the covers back, saying "hey, love." Then when I said "hey" he was like "Oh, what's up?" Like he had just realized who I was. For a moment there, it almost seemed like he was content to see me." Then it was all business. I dropped off his insurance check, grabbed my pillows and basically left. I've clung to that all week. Pathetic I know. But as soon as he was awake (which by the way that is the quickest he's ever woken up before) he was uncomfortable that I was there. Oh that bothered me. But I still clung...because I still have hope. Hope for what? I don't know. I know that we'll never be together again, because he simply doesn't want to....but grr. There's still hope for something.

Please pray for me...I need prayers. And before my friends ask, yes- I am buried in my Bible and seeking God. For wisdom, mercy and strength.

I need to be loved.

Thanks for listening,
Beckie