what matters and why

changing

4/26/04 1:22am

It was not the place to bring up what I was about to say. But there was nothing left for us to talk about. We'd tried that small talk. It was getting nowhere. I would ask questions, and he would answer in one word. I couldn't look him in the eye, knowing he would sense what I felt. He would sense detachment and insensitivity. I tried to keep the conversation going with no luck. What is wrong with us? We've known each other practically our whole lives and we can hardly speak two words to each other, despite all the emotions that are going on inside of us. There's a million things inside of me, and a million ways to say it. But I won't. I'm so afraid of hurting his feelings. It's always been that way. I've always held back. If I said what I really felt, it would hurt him. So he looks at me, and there's tears in his eyes. I guess it's too late. I've already said too much. I mentioned that I wanted to sell the house. I want to live some where that doesn't have both of us tied to it. We built this house together, and I am so uncomfortable here. I want out of this house and out of this life.

He's hoping I will change my mind and give him a chance. I can't do it. I can't back down now. When I'm around him, I can't breathe. I think of the life we had, and I know I can't go back to that. I'm a different person now. I've made incredible progress to being who I want to be. And he sees that and he hates it. He hates that I'm happy. He wants me to break under the pressure and give in. He wants me to join his family and sing the "poor baby" chorus. The oh, it's okay that you said horrible things, it was only the vicodin speaking. It will be one excuse after another for his behavior, not only from him, but his family. They will look at me and wonder why I can't simply let go. I can't. How is that possible? The words "worthless and selfish" run through my head every night. He will make me feel it. And I will be back to where I was, guilty and ashamed of my entire being. I will feel guilty for being alive because that's what he does to me. It's my fault, I didn't love him. It's my fault, he didn't get enough sex. It's my fault, I drove him away. By the way his family will act, it will be as if I forced the painkillers down his throat myself. I can't do it. I can't be a part of a family who does not take responsibility for their own actions. How can I go back to that? I want to be myself, someone I've never known. In twenty five years of living, I've never known myself. I don't even know how I like my coffee because I always took it the way he did. Everything I prefer, it came from his likes and dislikes. Like we merged into this one person and were never seperated. I was his, and that was it. I was never me. Every situation I encounter, I wonder what he would think or how he would handle it. How he would criticize if I chose to handle it my way. How great it felt to mow the lawn without him there to tell me what was wrong with it. But how said that he wasn't so he could be impressed with me.

As much as I don't want that life, I feel myself getting sucked back in. It's so hard to refuse when he wants me there at night with him. And despite the fact that we have nothing to say to each other, there's plenty to be "said" once the lights are off and we are in bed together. Why is that? Why do we have that intense sexual connection now...it's too late. "Was it just sex for you?" he said last week when I'd chosen to visit with a friend rather than come over. I said no, but in all honesty, I see no future with us. So maybe it was just sex. That night he asked me, I ended up with him, again, in his bed. I cried almost all night. I was getting pulled back into that emotional trap. The trap that allows him to blame me for his misery. I cry when we're together. I know it's not supposed to be that way. It's confusing him, and making me more vulnerable.

I say I need time, he says I can't have that. He needs me NOW. He says if I don't help him through this drug problem, his girlfriend would be more than happy to take over in my place. I need space, and he won't give it to me. If I go out with a friend, he follows me around town calling me names. He says he'll leave me alone, but I know he can't do it. He'll call every night and want me there. And if I refuse, I will feel guilty. He knows it. He plays on my guilt. It's the only way for him to get through to me. The only way he knows how to love. Control. If I am under his command, it means I love him. I love him if I do what he asks me to do, when he asks me to do it. If I want to be myself, I am accused of being uncaring.

There are traces of her all over him. She's in his place, on his phone, in his car. Whether it's because of her own persistance or his calling doesn't matter to me. She's there. She's around. And there's something going on that he can't tell me for one reason or another. There are some days when I want him to be with her. I want to hand over to her this high maintenance, needy man I call my husband. I want to relinquish the respnsibility of his happiness, his security. She can have it all. She can have his money and all that comes with that. I want to tell her not to leave. I need her here so he won't be so alone. Some days, though, I'm jealous. She may not be cute, but she's got some kind of passion that sucked him in. She's got something I don't have and many things I can't give. She has the ability to tell him all the right words at the right time. And I look at him and have nothing to say. I am blank. There's nothing left for us.

I am so tired. It's such an emotional roller coaster. I'm trying so hard to be strong but sometimes I break down. I can't back to him. I will never love myself if I don't figure out what going on deep inside of me. He will take that away from me. I will resent him if he tries to pull me back in again before I'm ready. But he can't be alone. He'll go straight to her.