what matters and why

alone again

I don't see the logic that you're upset with me for sleeping on the couch when you can come home at 6am, take a shower and return to work without any kind of explanation expect, "sorry about last night." I'm lost here. I am lost here. I am tired of the "you don't love me and never did excuse" Is that enough to excuse you from any responsibility for three months? I'm alone, and I'm exhausted. Maybe you think paying the bills is enough. As long as you take care of that, I should be happy. With no attention, no help raising this child, I should be one satisfied wife. How long can you use the sad story that we are only together because of this child. I am here also and have been since the beginning. I sacrificed everything I knew to dedicate my life to being a mother and a wife. And now I'm wondering why. You're not here. What is it you want me to say. No, this life is not what I wanted. Not what I'd planned. I did not want to be a stay at home mother with no college degree at 24 yrs old. I'm okay with what we did and how it turned out. In fact, in the last few years, I've been happy. Up until a few months ago. I don't know if it hit you now that we'd not planned this, if this is too much responsibiltiy for you to handle. Whatever it is, you're not talking so I don't know. All I know is that I'm the one here. How many times can you say "you don't love me?" How many times do I have to validate your feelings before you are secure? What do you want me to say..."yes this is the life I'd dreamed of, this exactly what I wanted!" It's not, but I'm okay with that. Over time, I am okay. I love my son. I love your ambition and your dedication. For a while I loved this life. It's not that I don't appreciate all the time and effort you've put it for us. Not that I don't understand. I was happy in the spring. I don't understand why if you've felt so desolate for so long why we were attempting to have children. I feel alone in this loss of a child last May. Sometimes all I can think about is how things would be different now had that not happened. Would I still be alone now. Would you still be acting the way you are. Nothing you do makes sense anymore. I don't know where you are or what you're doing. Sometimes all night long. Maybe it's someone else. You've realized that I am not the only person for you. That there is someone else who will love you unconditionally and now it's my fault. But despite what I am told, I don't believe that is the truth. I just can't fathom that behavior coming from you. I just don't know. I think you are disappointed in me. You don't like the way I discipline our son. You think I am too lenient. I am a horrible cook, despite how many times I've tried and you hate that. I clean and perform domestic chores only half heartedly and you hate that also. You don't trust my driving abilities. Forget about me having any kind of financial responsibilities around here. That would not go over well with you. Things have to be just so, and I'm not cutting it. I'm ready to give up. You want somebody I can't be. For a while it was enough that you were simply so attracted to me. Maybe I am too selfish for you. And now that it's over, you don't know how to deal with that. You tell me I need to try a little but you're never here to give me that chance. By the time you are, I'm so upset I can't even think. Sometimes I can't breathe. I want to lay down and never get up. I'm tired of this horrible ugly feeling. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of answering to mommy all alone. He's learned not to expect you here, and that is something I never imagined going wrong in this relationship. You can't make up for time and I don't think you know him anymore. I know you want to. As much as you might dislike me, I know you love him and would do anything for him. Yet lately I think those feelings for me have overcome your desire to be with him. I don't know why. I don't know who I'm supposed to be. All you can give me is "you don't love me anymore" and that's it. Well that's not enough. People who don't love each other make it every day. Passion and all those things that come with a new relationship fade and this is what you get. People do it all the time. And of all people I thouhgt we would make it through that part. We're not quitters. I don't think we made it as long as we did just to give up. And the thought of that makes me want to throw knowing what it would do to the child involved. I cannot even imagine and I don't think I want to live like that. I think his childhood is more important than any feelings we have toward each other. I think his existence is worth us making this work regardless of the circumstances. You might disagree. You might say that there has to be undying love and passion and fireworks for this to go forward. I can't promise you that. I can give you stability. Not good food, not always a clean house, but I'm here for the long haul. It's going to take you leaving for this to end. I hate that your friends are more interesting now. I don't know how to compete with that. I cannot give you that kind of excitement and intensity. I am willing to work on whatever it is that's wrong. I know you hate that I'm emotionally distant. It takes a lot of effort to get through to me. Maybe you're tired of dealing with that. I just never thought it would come to this. Me, wondering where the hell you are at three in the morning. It's not you. Not at all. Do you hate the fact that I wanted to do more with my life? Why is it so hard for you to understand? This is absolutely not what I'd planned out when I was sixteen. I wanted so much more. But this is okay. Now, six years later, my only regret is that you don't like who I am anymore. Somehow I have lost you, and once again, the explanation I get from you is "you don't love me anymore." Do you want me to chase you all around town? Call every thirty minutes to check up? You know that's me. I'm not jealous or possesive. I don't understand what I can do to show you that I want you back the way you were. Is it not enough sex, and is that enough to end and entire lifetime for? If you think I don't want you, you're wrong. I want you the way you were. I'm so angry that you've made these choices, when I want to tell you that I want you here, all that comes out is anger and dissappointment in you. And I'm so upset. I've never ever felt so alone. I can't tell anyone that I am failing in my one relationship that I thought would last. I don't have any friends, no family that I can trust. How do I get through this by myself? I just cannot understand what I did that was so horrible that you have decided not to come home night after night. I'm not out spending your hard earned money, I am lenient you and whatever you want to do with your friends, I raise your son and take care of your dogs. It's not enough. I don't think I'm enough for you yet I'm here believing this is all my fault. I didn't love you enough, I didn't give you enough.