Monkeys

My Heart

I know I haven't had much to post lately, and for that I am sorry. It is not that there hasn't been anything going on, but what has been going on has been private, and personal, and I just can't share some of it.

The stuff I can share? Here goes....

Lately I have found myself to be spending more and more time trying to fill the voids in my life. The friendships that I have lost, or put distance between, the fmaily that I have in Missouri and Kansas. Josh.

I've learned something though. No matter how busy I make myself, the voids remain. Spending time time with my New York friends has been great. Some of it irreplacable. I've spent a lot of time on the phone these last few days, catching up with everyone in Missouri and Kansas. I've spent some time with my dad these last few days too. Trying to salvage things. (Successfully so far.)

But I have found that no matter how hard I try, there is one consistent void in my life that I can't fill. And that is Josh. I don't "need to be on the phone with him 24/7, but I do need tot alk to him daily. I need to know he still cares. He hasn't done anything to make me think otherwise, but that doesn't matter. I'm a woman, and I'ma needy one.

I think the "neediness" comes from the fact that when I lived in Missouri, my friends and I were so close We saw each other every few days, and talked to each other nearly daily. I came to depend on them, and when I came back to New York, I felt like I was just a memory to some of them. And it has really bothered me. I came here with a few good frineds, and some family. That was what was waiting for me. I've severed most of those friendships because they were not good for me or my walk with God. I've made some new friends, and finally found a decent church to go to. And as I have posted, it has been a very long few months with my family. But I've learned a lot.

I feel bad sometimes, because I know that it is Josh who takes the brunt of my neediness. And I think that is becasue I KNOW he cares, where as, with others, I have to seriously wonder sometimes. And when Josh isn't there, for whatever reason, it's Dave who helps me through it. And sometimes, I think that he got the wrong end of the deal. He met me a rough time in my life, and because he was there, I depend on him too. Maybe because I know I can. But, I wonder if he sometimes feels like he should just know me because he is my boyfriend's best friend. And I wonder if he wants it to be that way.

These are just things that run through my head, you know? We all have these random thoughts that we choose to keep inside, and not share. I want to share them though. I know you can't understand me, just that I go through some rough stuff. But, if you know my heart, you can try and understand. So there it is.

I'm looking very forward to being in Kansas City next week- as it will truly give me a little taste of life again. It's not been all that bad here, but I am eager to see my friends, to sit in my pew at church, to hug my preacher on the way out, to see my MO mom and dad, to pet Princess, to wake up and not have to pick up the phone to call Josh, but just walk across the hall, but most importantly, to be "me" again. You know, right now, I am more "me"than I've been since I came back to New York.

So, there is what has been goign on lately. A lot of thinking, a lot of trying to fill voids, a lot of realization, and A LOT of homework.

Love,
Beckie