Sarah's Life

What I don't Understand...

... is the way people will overreact to just about anything. Jackson is slowly deleting his blog because I broke up with him. He deleted his writing.com account because I broke up with him.

I just don't understand it. I've been heartbroken before, and I get that. I don't get this overreaction to everything that had anything to do with said person. Hell, I still have a dolphin glass etch in my window at home that Anthony gave me. I still have a variety of things that Mengqi gave me. I still have things from Jackson in my room. Hell, I brought something he gave me with me to school and it's on top of my desk right now. I don't understand this need people have to try to erase the past. No matter how hard you try to make it go away you can't ignore the fact that the past is ALWAYS there. I have things I sure as hell don't want to remember, but that doesn't mean I go destroying things. It's not going to make it go away. I can't help but wonder if the next girlfriend he has will be told that she's his first. If he'll block my memory out to the extent where he refuses to recognize it as happening. Which, naturally, makes me wonder if that's what happened with me. I know he destroyed everything pertaining to me. Which actually pisses me off because I sent back EVERYTHING that his mom asked me to send back, plus a few things that I'm sure she didn't know I had. If he asked me to return anything, I would as soon as I could afford postage. And all I asked was for him to return a small dolphin statue of mine that I'd given him. And he outright refused. I have the distinct impression that it was the first thing to get smashed.

When I think of everything I went through to try to keep that relationship together, it bothers me. I can't remember when I realized it was going to shit, but I remember having a bad feeling right from the start. I dive into these things too quickly. Sometimes I wonder if investing any time into these things is worth it. But that's what's ironic. I don't even really have to do anything for Jeremy and I's relationship. It just works. If we miss calling each other one day it's not the end of the world. Yes, I miss him, and I'd be much happier if he was here, but it's not the end of the world that he's not. We're managing to see each other pretty frequently, but we'd still survive if we didn't. I can joke with him in my own sense of humor and not be afraid of freaking him out. If I'd told Jackson something along the lines of "Then we went and watched scott play pool, and every time he went to line up a shot Cally and I would lightly place our hands on his butt... man did that freak him out." he would have fallen down where he was standing and given birth to a cow right there and then. He could never understand that aspect of my sense of humor so I toned it down for 10 months and became the most conservative version of me. I hated it. I hated not being able to really let myself out, let myself go. You need that in a relationship. It doesn't work when you have to be someone you're not. We tried to pretend we were perfectly compatable, but we were so far from it it wasn't funny. When I met him I was pretty beaten down. My personality had been degraded to the point of exhaustion. The day he met me I was tearing my arm into mincemeat and seriously looking at suicide as an option. I'll openly admit that I latched onto him. He was my way out. I didn't think that at the time, but it was the way my subconscious was working. I'm not sure what his motivation was, but the obsession thing got really old after a while. Note to guys: if you want to keep your girlfriend, DON'T smother her. It's the fastest way to lose them.

Ok, enough with Jackson, since that's the tip of the iceberg, and I'm just now starting to really think about these things and I want to let myself decompress at a reasonable rate.

Next chunk of the iceberg: Cody. Of all my friends, this guy really has overreacting down to an art. I love him, yeah, but he's really good about freaking out over the smallest thing. And heavens *forbid* anyone say anything even remotly negative about him. I'm sorry, hon, but last year you told me you'd been pretending to be my friend just so you could hurt me more. That tends to really screw with the trust thing, especially when your chosen profession is ACTING. I still find myself questioning how much of how you act around me is real and how much of it is you acting. And the whole trust issue about that from last year is the FIRST thing on my mind.

Next bit: Clay. He got all pissed at me because I wanted to study instead of going to a fucking barbeque with him. I'm sorry, I'm in college for a reason. And what right does he have to tell me how I should be living my life? If I want to study at night instead of in the afternoon when it's sunny out and I can enjoy myself in nature (which is a heck of alot more important to me than spending $5 to eat food I don't really like in the first place), then that's my fucking choice. As it turned out, because of his overreaction I just ended up spending the day inside studying so I could avoid him (he got me angry and that's never good), and went swimming during his precious bbq.

I've had my times of overreaction, but about 4 months ago I figured I'd just stop caring. If people want to get me upset, they can try. They may succeed on one level or another, but as far as this overboard "all or nothing" response... I just don't get it.

Time to wander toward class.







"If you don't have the time to read, you don't have the time, or the tools, to write." - Stephen King

"Forbidden fruits create jams" - Chuch sign saying

"What a strange path I took to find my heart" - Crime and Punishment in Suburbia

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first." - Mark Twain

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