My Life...

Feeling down. Need to rant.

I haven't been here in awhile- I keep forgetting to write! And I was going so well, too :(
I don't suppose anyone's still reading since my life never goes anywhere anymore. As if it ever did.

I'm not really in a BAD mood, I'm just feeling down.
Do you know how if you have one thing bothering you and you don't deal with it, everything else builds up until it gets too much? I think that's what's happening now.
I guess I should start with what has been bothering me for like the last 3 months and work my way to more recent things.

~English~
When I selected Advanced English as a class, it was because Kirsty told me that in her University Of ******** (sorry, can't say the town or everyone will know exactly where I'm from. Call me paranoid, but oh well) handbook that we need a pass in Advanced English to get into the teaching course.
So, I selected it and vowed not to let my grades slip in that class since I knew we'd get a ton of work.
Late last year, we were informed that Ms. Ryan would be teaching the class and that put a damper on my spirits. I'd never had Ms. Ryan myself, but plenty of people had tld me what a bitch she was and how she favoured the popular crowd, so I was upset about that. Upset, but not in despair.
So, this year rolls around and Kirsty and I get to our first ever Advanced English class- It was FINE. I was struggling with the work, but I figured if I really buckled down and tried, I'd get through it. I was starting to wonder what was wrong with Ms. Ryan. She seemed perfectly nice and funny as well.
Then the principal decided that our class was too big, so it would be split into two classes- Ms. Ryan would teach one half and Mr. Griffiths would teach the second half.

Predictably, Kirsty and I were separated- which was okay because despite what people think, i am not glued to her side.
I figurred I could sit with Sara- no biggie.
But, of course, she sits with Scott and Emma who really don't like me, so that was out of the picture.

I guess things started to go bad when I realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was never going to get high marks in that class.
Around that time, i started resenting Ms. Ryan because of the way she favoured the popular people.
That resent turned to hate and I began to dread her classes.
I still resent going, but I'm resigned to my fate.
Now, of course, I got a revised edition of the job guide book and it says you DON'T need advanced English to get into the course I want.
Of course, it's too late now to drop down to standard english- I have to wait until term 4 which means I have another full term to go.

I'm feeling so FRISTRATED with myself for not being able to do the work. I've never really worked my butt off and still got horrible marks before. I feel like I should be putting all my efforts into Maths, but I get so down on myself because of English that by the time I open my maths book, I've already got a negative view of it.

I got changed to a lower maths class and I'm liking the teacher, even though I know I have a lot of work to catch up on. Maybe he'll be able to help me with the stuff I don't understand.
I sit with Elly in that class and she's pretty annoying, but it's good to have someone other than Kirsty who talks to me. She offeres a lot of amusement and fun rather than being serious and on edge all the time.
Matthew is also in the class and that's okay. I don't feel anything for him anymore- It's so weird because since like year 8, I've had some feelings for him, but now I feel nothing towards him. It's like an end of an era, but that's good, since we've done the whole angsty thing to death.

What else is bringing me down? I have a whole list, but I'm trying to drag out the reasons WHY so I can analyse and try to help myself.

~Friends~
I don't really have any friends. I know I say Kirsty is my best friend, but not really.
I can't be myself around her- it's like we're competing in everything.
I have a problem with letting people get too close to me and it's affecting my life in a lot of ways.

I feel like nobody SEES me at school or anywhere, it's like I just blend in with everyone else.
I only talk to Kirsty and Sara, really, when I think about it.

And even when I do talk to them, it's not about how I feel.

I feel ao lonely, but I don't want to tell anyone how I'm feeling.

I feel all alone in a hars, uncaring world and I wonder whether things will ever change as I get older.

All this boils down to my non-existant self esteem.
I don't see anything good about myself anymore.

I want to be able to get close to people, but I can't.
It's like I've built this wall around myself and I can't break free.

I have nobody to talk to about this- noone would understand.

My mum thinks i can tell her anything, but I know I can't tell her about how empty I feel because she'll tell me that I'm over reacting and making something out of nothing.

Maybe I am, but it's making me miserable.

I don't know what else to do anymore- everything seems to lead to a dead end.

I'm sick of running into a brick wall everytime I start to feel good about something in my life.






~~Piper: I'm getting stalked by psycho killers and I hide in the shower!
Piper/Leo Harry/Ginny Ron/Hermione Dawson/Jen Pacey/Audrey Steph/Max Jack/Nina
Brooke/Deacon Amber/Rick~~