Fighting the Current

realitytruthsbeliefsperceptionsthoughtsperceptionsbeliefs...

First off, to clear things up, I have tendency to speak in metaphors. It was not a literal exorcism, lol. I just could not think of a better word.

Relay was really rainy (no lightning though, thankfully) and really muddy (think Woodstock, only more clothes and less drugs). All but five of the girls (from two teams) left before 7, and then I was forced to leave a little after midnight. I was very angry--I understood completely why my parents didn't want me there, but I was the last one left from my team (vaguely pissed at everyone for leaving, but I understood most of them as well, not that I agreed). So, of course, I felt some sort of obligation to be there, even if no one was really keeping track and it didn't really mean anything to anyone besides me. So, yeah, I ended up looking like some sort of spoiled brat--didn't help that I saw several people crying at the candles and names on the track.

Six hours of sleep last night but I have been so grumpy and so bitchy all day, with no tolerance for anything at all. It's great, today is also the day my brothers decide to turn up their attitudes and f*** with me and pick fights. They are very lucky I don't often listen to violent impulses.

And I must have pulled some sort of ligament or tendon or something. It would be fine if it were at my knee or lower. No, it's deep in my upper thigh.

Still can't get rid of some of the dirt around my nails. Not really noticeable, but it bothers me.

The things we create for ourselves... Our hells, our dreams, our memories...

The meanings we assign objects and events... Symbols, icons, signs...

I just do not know.

A good friend just quoted Jung to me: "Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people."

So what is time?

"And through this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread."
- "Possession," Sarah McLachlan

Good thing about being sent home: If I'd slept at the Relay, I would not have been able to move when I woke up even if I'd slept on an egg-crate under my sleeping bag. I had enough trouble getting my one leg out of bed this morning. My back is a little sore, but not downright painful.

Found a hilarious book in Walden's today. "How to Be an Evil Villain."

And there must have been wasabi in the very tip of my spring roll. I swallowed it and then my mouth caught fire. My eyes were watering, my sinuses were clearing, it was so bad. I made my brother run and get an icecream (water makes hot things stay in your mouth, and I didn't want to drink milk) for me. I ate the entire little bowl. My tastebuds took an hour to recover and my tongue is still a little sensitive, lol.

"Do you wonder what it's like
Living in a permanent imagination,
Sleeping to escape reality?..."
- "Fiction," Orgy

Yes, but what is reality?

"'Reality' is what we take to be true. What we take to be true is what we believe. What we believe is based on our perceptions. What we percieve depends on what we look for. What we look for depends on what we think. What we think depends on what we percieve. What we percieve determines what we believe. What we believe determines what we take to be true. What we take to be true is our reality." - Gary Zukav

I think I'm losing touch with what I take to be true...what I believe...what I perceive... Not with what I think. Yet.

But I have not been thinking healthy thoughts these past few days... Not destructive, just not healthy.

Sleep might help a little. Might. A little.