Sarah's Life

He had to go and email me

As if it's not bad enough that I'm trying not to email him or talk to him or any of that. Why couldn't he just hold to his promise not to talk to me??



My response:

(in the review of Ch. 3 (Multitude) :
" So she cuts and she slices
slivers of blood fall to the floor
over the years slashes turn into scars
hiding the cuts that hurt far more

I hope this isn't real it isn't healthy" )

I've been trying to figure out which one of these to put my reply in. This one seems fitting.

You compared what I feel for Jackson to what I felt for Anthony. Truth of the matter - I would be dead right now if not for Jackson. In the two years since about midway through sophmore year, I had returned to my habit of slicing, burning, and generally finding ways of hurting myself. So yes, this poem is based in reality. Mid August, I was a hair-bredth away from just picking a direction and driving. When I reached the end of my tank of gas, I was going to find a quiet place and wait until nightfall. At which point I would slit my wrists. I would be dead before anyone could find me, and that would have been fine with me. Jackson is the one who saved me from this. It may sound cliche and like my typical bullshit, but you know what? I stopped listening to what others thought of Jackson and I's realationship a while back. No one knew me well enough to notice that I've changed. And that's fine by me. Actually, it doesn't surprise me much, since I basically was a manipulative bitch from hell. On August 5th Jackson sat down and listened to me. And I'm not talking my usual bullshit theraputic listening skills - he listened and responded and was the first person to actually NOTICE that I was suicidal. He reassured me, and that's what kept me hanging on. You bitch at me about not knowing you were acting. *short laugh* Don't you think I knew? I was willing to accept it, in return for the fact that I could at least pretend we were still friends.

The fact of the matter now is that none of this matters. I told you that night that I would leave you alone. I have. I've hated every second of it, but it's what you need so I walked away. I left what was the only friend I had that actually knew me, and had known me for longer than 3 years. I left the one friendship behind that meant more to me than any other (with the possible exceptions of my friendships with Pam and Gaite, but those don't really get classified as friendships in my mind - they're family). For years, you were the focal point of what was good in my life. When that came crumbling down, so did everything else. Oh well. The fact is - I saw that you needed me to leave, I saw that you would be happier for it, so I left.

Your deciding to review "Slivers" didn't help me in the least. If you were looking for a way to hurt me, great job. The only thing that has kept me somewhat ok up until this point is the fact that I don't have to be tempted to communicate with you. I don't have to sit there and read things you've written to me, and have to respond. I walked away, thinking that you wouldn't even bother to try to pull me back, even if it was for you to say goodbye yet again, and that's what enabled me to walk away.

Don't pull me back again, Cody. You've said goodbye. You've said it countless times, and all you're ever going to do is say it again. I know you want me out of your life - now prove it. Take the strength upon yourself to actually walk away like you say you want to. Hell like you NEED to.

And for the record - you don't need to bribe me to see your portfolio. I check it every few days, since that is my one connection to you. If you want to make it private, or whatever, so be it. That's your choice. But anything that goes on there, I see within days. So no more bribes, no more emails, let me sit and watch from a distance, because that's all I CAN do.

Cody - I just want you to be happy. And it is bringing me large amounts of joy to see that this is happening for you now. I want you to continue being happy, and I realized that night that what you needed for that was for me to get the fuck away from your life.

So - Merry Christmas. Your present? Your life without me. Goodbye Cody. I will leave you alone, I won't contact you. My portfolio will always be there for you to read, but just read it. No more reviews. I will do the same thing - I'm just reading, and keeping my thoughts to myself. Slivers is, and will continue to be, my Cathartic poem.

~~Sarah