Just Jul Lee

A Day For Enlightenment

A Day For Enlightenment
Date: OCTOBER 28, 2002

I am a christian even if my writing doesn't really show it. I believe in God and Jesus, I attend church three or more times a week and I stand firm in my beliefs, both religious and self imposed.

To say that my life is what I want it to be would be lying. I am not happy with a lot of things in my life, things I could change if I worked at it. I don't like the fact that I am overweight but all I have to do is diet. I don't like the fact that I'm mean but all I have to do is smile more.

The reason I decided to start this journal here was a recent revelation that occurred on Sunday, yesterday. I had talked to a couple of my friends on Saturday. I told them of my dreams of becoming a doctor, a writer and of getting out of debt. I talked of moving and living alone, of finding out who I really am. I cried when I expressed my guilt and bitterness, the two demons that follow me throughout my life regardless of my intentions to overcome. I had long since released my dreams of being a pastor's wife, of fulfilling what I believed to be my destiny.

I attended another church that morning since I had stayed the night in another town and still had friends to see there. I sat in the sermon beside one of my friends and zoned out. I wasn't listening. I was thinking about the Christmas play I'm working on and about the money I owed and the fact that I want to move and live alone.

The sermon was about the light, staying in the light of God. About stepping up to the potential God has for you, living the life he wants for you. I wasn't convicted at all. Of course, I wasn't really listening.

Toward the end of the sermon, the pastor said that there were people with futures that weren't gaining what God had for them. There were pastors and pastors wives. That we stepped out of God's Will and expected to step back in without anything being different. But God was moving and if we weren't moving with Him, He would move on without us.

I guess I would not have been convicted but I had just told my friend, who happens to be a male, that I didn't believe God wanted me to be a pastors wife, that maybe, even if He did, that that wasn't all He wanted me to do.

My friend had told me that he wanted to be a pastor but he believed as I did, that there was more he had to accomplish.

The pastor had said that when he was called to preach, he thought there was a lot he still had to do, a lot he wanted to do. But when God calls you either answer or you miss out.

So what? Did I miss out? I sat there and wondered why I wasn't a wife at least, why I was watching my friends get married while I remained alone. I told God I wanted an answer. I told Him to tell me then what I was doing wrong.

The answer was clear once I pressed. He told me I had never sacrificed my life fully to Him. I held onto things that I should have given to Him. And so I have given my life to Him. I told Him that He had control and that I would do what He tells me to. And I will.

You may think this sounds batty. I think the best way to explain is that you are the only one that fully understands you. God has a way about Him that can only be felt, not taught or explained. God is awesome but I am not here to sway your thoughts toward or away. I am here to express me.

I'm just Jul Lee, just a normal person with a talent, a talent others have as well. We have much in common...Welcome to Dragons Delyte and Faries Farce...Welcome to my world!