Spasmodic Contemplations

Things just got worse...

It's just been one of those weeks, ya know? It seems like I'm finally getting over this guy, seems like I will be just fine, and then something happens that makes me so freakin' depressed...My friend quoted something the other day that said something like, "If you want to stumble across that special someone, first you have to move forward." It makes sense, right? I thought so, but I don't think I'm moving forward at a pace to even count as moving. Or maybe I'm moving backwards everytime I move forward a little. Who the Hell knows? I'm getting tired of it.

I suppose I should stop feeling sorry for myself, right? Right. But I need to get this out...yeah, you don't have to read it though. Really, this journal was for my own benefit, not for your entertainment. Sorry if that sounded harsh (if you're still reading). So here's what happened. I'm still struggling, trying to get myself over this certain person. Now that's nothing new. I mean, it happens to people every day. No big deal. He just didn't like me back is all, but it still hurt a lot. And even seeing him made/makes me ache, but that was okay. I was learning to deal with it. I think the only reason why I could deal with it was because his girlfriend lived so far away. But then, the other night when he was asking my friend for some advice (I was at her house), I found that there was a girl here that he liked too...bad on his part in my opinion, but oh well. Honestly, how can someone date long distance, say they're being faithful, and go and date someone closer to home? Wouldn't even the desire to date someone else break that undying devotion to the other? I want to talk to him about it, but that would just be weird...unless he's reading this now, then he knows I was there that night. Anyways, so as if the reminder that he didn't like me wasn't enough, I see this girl (I think the one he was talking about) and him in the school parking lot after school one day, and she's really clsoe and all...and kisses him. I actually saw it myself (my friend didn't think so), and it just tore me apart. I mean, gah, just complete loss of hope there...not just for him but just in general. So before when he was dating long distance, it was okay, it could've been worse...and then it got worse. It kinda made me think that I'm just going to be alone for the rest of my life, though I know that is not likely. I don't even know why it made me feel like that. Logically, it shouldn't have made me more depressed than I was anyway, but it did.

So yeah, I'm still feeling pretty bad, physically and emotionally. It upset me enough to make me throw up twice...lol. Sad, I know. I'm pathetic. And then I get to hear my friends talk about their gfs/bfs and stuff, how they love them, how they don't like this or that...blah blah blah. I admit it makes me jealous...why wouldn't it? I just get to hear all about something that I can't have myself. It gets pretty lonely. I mean, I SO just yearn to have someone that I can hold hands with, talk about things with, someone who understands me, but I'm still waiting. Waiting is hard; my patience is running low, but what else can I do? I can't force someone to like me, and I don't blame anyone for not...seriously. I'm starting to doubt those words, "You'll find him someday. And he'll love you for everything you are." Aghhh...yeah, just starting to seem a little fake to me. I think all the rejection of the past and all is just starting to build up and get to me. Oh well, guess I'm done with the pity-party for now.