Spasmodic Contemplations

On the Verge of Insanity

I really do think I'm getting there. I mean, one day, guess it was yesterday before evening, I was happy, content, thankful for life, and now I'm like this...just so confused and fed up and depressed again. Can anyone explain? I had just finished a poem that said that I was getting over this, but I guess I'm not. I'm stuck somewhere between depression and happiness and it's just really screwed up. I was just now starting to think, "Gee, life's not so bad. I have so much to be thankful for. Why am I complaining?" And I don't mean to complain now, but I guess I am in a way. Yesterday, my spirits plummeted for some strange reason. I just said some wrong things or something, wasn't thinking before I spoke of course. I think I offended someone that I really had no intention of doing. All I want is to be friends again, well that's what I said, but I'm starting to think that there is some subconscious bitterness there. Who freaking knows? I don't mean half the stuff I say out loud.

And then there's this stuff about my brother going into the military. I wonder if he realizes that he's setting my dad's business back about 3 years just so he can try to fly helicopters or something, which he most likely won't get to do. I hate to be pessimistic as always, but he's just not too motivated...actually, he's very UNmotivated most of the time, and I'm TOO motivated. Well, I was.

And all this college crap going on. I'm SO expected to go to UAB but I just don't know. I suppose I'll be happy enough there, but what if say, BSC gives me enough money to go there? I think I'm greedy for wanting more, better, stuff, when I can get a good education at UAB. Maybe I should leave the scholarship money for the people that need it most. And besides all that, I feel like I'm not going to be ready to move out on my own. And college isn't really "own your own" yet. It's still very sheltered. I think I'm too freakin immature...all my friends are right around 17, but I feel like I'm so much younger than them. Why is this? I guess I really am immature. And I have trouble getting along with people, and I have trouble expressing myself well, and I have trouble being gracious, and I have trouble being patient and kind and considerate of others, and it's just ALL GETTING TO ME! Konw what else? Everyone's like, "Oh, you're so smart; you'll go so far in this life." But I don't feel like it, and I don't feel all that smart compared to my friends. A GPA proves nothing. I had to pick probably one of the hardest fields of study for a visually-impared person, go figure. That's always how I've been, never taking the easy way out. Some may say that that's a good thing, but I don't think so. I mean, what if I DO fail? What if I don't become a geneticist? What then? I don't adjust to change in plans very well...which brings me to my next point.

I want to have kids someday, but I dunno if I'll be able to handle it all, just because of my personality, and that really hurts badly. I feel awful about it, but what can I do? I guess I'll just have to "wait and see" which I absolutely LOATHE doing. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever find a decent guy to date, or marry, or whatever. Perhaps I should lower my standards? I have a lot, and I'm just to freaking picky. I'm picky at everything. I wish I could be like my mother; as far as morals and character and such, she is my role model. But I'll never be like her, and in a sense, I feel like I've failed her.

Gee, what else is there? The whole church thing. My family can't agree on where to go to church, now isn't that sad? And we didn't go tonight, so my little sister whined for like, 2 hours saying, "I want to go to church! I want to go to church!" I swear, if I hear that word again, I'll go bezerk. I don't ever feel like going to church anymore because I feel like a hypocrite, and everyone that I know that doesn't go to church says that's why they don't go. My whole standing with religion right now is so off; I want to get back to how I was a couple years ago, but I've been too easily influenced. I don't know. I think I should just go and crawl up somewhere and just stay away from people for the time being. I truly am an antisocial I do believe.

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