It's Me (and I like 'em tall!)

The Candy Corn Caper

Welcome to the 6pm news at 11pm:

Tonight, our breaking story revolves around and issue of mass confusion and pandimonium.

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Candy Corn. This is the world's greatest present day enigma. Is it candy? No. Is it corn? Again, no.

Many nights we lie awake contemplating the validity of this so-called "sweet treat." Some children have attempted to unlock the secrets of the candy corn, but it has thus far ended in horrible, horrible failure. One child even lost a finger.

I was undercover in Port Huron investigating this troublesome plague and I ran across a mighty shady character who calls herself...Kim Koss. She hesitated before saying her last name and looked worried, so I assume that it was an alias to protect her identity.

After hours and hours of a grueling interview...I learned nothing. When I asked Ms. "Koss" to sum up her final thoughts on the subject, she replied with, "Uh, uh, uh, uh...it's tastes good. BUT, who really cares about candy corn? The bigger issue at hand is RUNTS. My concern lies for with those poor, dear banana runts who are unjustly having their size used against them."

I replied, "Really," and thus ended my time with Ms. "Koss".


After such an unsuccessful trip to the inner minds of the Port Huron residents, I knew I had only one place to turn to get my answers...

IOWA.

A large farming state, I knew that somewhere amidst the corn fields and...nothingness...there had to be a solution to help ease the minds of all the candy corn consumers. I stumbled upon a hairy farmer who asked to be called Addem OhDonyl. I shortened it for time's sake to "O Adam".

My first inquiry was about his candy corn wind chime hanging from his porch. Where did he get it? Was this a sign? Was he too a part of this horrendous conspiracy?

He looked around nervously and said that it was a gift from his math teacher, Ms. Crittenden, when he was a young lad in grade school. He'd always had a terrible crush on her and cherished that candy corn wind chime and heard the echoes of the quadratic equation every time the wind tickled his chimes.

We took a seat on the hood of his Honda and progressed with the interview after a brief but memorable make-out session. Still slightly mussed and turned on, I asked, "What do you believe are the precise origins of candy corn?"

He quickly said, "Frankly, I agree that they are niether candy or corn. Truth be known, they are a valuable source of carbohydrates and a close cousin to the potato."

I looked at him quizzically and then smelled the faint strains of liquor on his breath. How could I trust the word of an enibrated man? Furthermore, how could I trust a drunk with no...front...teeth.

I took out my camera to have a record of the make-out session...uh...I mean..."interview". As I gazed at him through my camera lens I was shocked to realize this man highly resembled a certain freakish terrorist who's initials are OBL...(Osama Bin Laden). My initial thought was to contact the authorities, but remembered just in time that there was a more pressing issue at hand...Candy Corn.

I turned to walk away, determined to track down the answer to all of my questions and felt a "thwack" on my buttocks from a blunt object approximately 8 inches long. I spun around to find O Adam had missed and saw him winding up to take a second shot. A tender "blow" to my temple sent me reeling and everything went black.

The next thing I remember is waking up in a cold, dimly lit room. I opened my eyes to find O Adam standing above me and, who should be standing next to him...none other than the foxy Kim Koss from Port Huron. They must me be in cahoots with one another and playing out an intricate plan. I must have gotten in the way.

I glanced down to be confronted with my own nakedness and to find myself lying on a bed of candy corn.

After a brief, three-way make-out session, I began to question their motives. I was jarred from my train of thought with the flickering of the lights and a door swinging open. The person I saw standing there shook my bones into a terrible fright. Wait...it's not a person at all...it's...it's...it's....

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To be continued....