what matters and why

a place in this world

4/19/02
3:00pm

It's this time of year again. With each day, I feel like I'm falling farther behind in the quest for a decent figure to make it through the summer. I've failed in my attempt to look like I did last year. I'm even more discouraged when I think about the upcoming events I have to attend in which we'll see people we haven't seen in years. All I wanted was to give the impression that I've had it all together all this time. I wanted to appear like the mother who can handle everything without being bothered by the demands that comes with parenthood. The thing is, I don't have time to find the perfect dress, or the money. I don't have the desire to lay out in the sun and get a tan. I don't want my nails to look nice, those things are just not part of my personality. Why should I have to be someone I'm not? It's not good enough just to be myself. I want my thighs to shrink two inches in the next week, I want my stomach to flatten, just a little bit. The last thing I want to do is deal with the stress of what to wear, how to act, what to say now after all this time. I don't want to have to think about what they're thinking of me and then questioning myself for caring about that. I thought it would all just fall into place and I wouldn't have to work at being perfect at this time. I don't want to think about what to buy, the perfect present for people I don't know anymore. I don't want to be sad, to remember what good friends that I thought I had back then, when in reality they weren't really at all. I don't want to think about why I haven't made an effort to stay in touch or why it matters so much to me to give the impression of perfection. I don't want to have to compete with anyone. I don't want to deal with why I didn't attend any of the "pre-parties" or why I've intentionally seperated myself. I'm fairly certain that it won't matter if I'm there or not, so I don't know why it's constantly on my mind. I thought that these events would motivate me this year, but so far it's only caused me to doubt everything about myself. To dislike who I am now and assume that I will never be good at anything I do from here on out. To wonder who I would have if things had played out differently so long ago. And then thinking about that makes me hate myself. The part about my life that I love more than anything in the world would not be the same had events gone differently. I hate this feeling. I want the next two months to be over and done with. I don't want this kind of stress right now. I want to be excited for the summer, and swimming, and vacation. What's changed in only a year that makes my thought process so obscure? I don't want to be around people who make me feel like this. I don't want it to be important what I look like now, and I'm not looking forward to being analyzed and criticized. I want to move on, get over that time, stop dwelling on things that contain no relevance to my life now. But then I wish that I was thinner, more personable, I wish that I had more self confidence. It shouldn't matter to me what people I knew so long ago think now. It scares me that it does.

I don't fit in to the world of pre-school moms. The ones who drive the minivans and wear sweats to the supermarket, who spend their day changing diapers, disciplining and who live for naptime. We're past that fun stage of the little kid stuff. We're into the activities, and out of naptime. There are no restrictions on what we can do in the day, I have no excuse not to get stuff done. I don't fit in with the church crowd, the ones who spend all their time either up there or at bible studies, or parenting classes, who are so focused and seem like they have it all together. They don't gossip and they don't care in the summer whether they skin is tan or not. I don't fit in with the single moms who can only bitterly reminice about past relationships, who cohabitate with the fathers of their children, and spend most of their time working, or partying. I don't fit in with my husband's family, in an atmosphere where materials are so important, where the discussion focuses around what stuff you can get where for what price. It's important to have perfectly manicured toe and fingernails, only to be done by a professional. Family is of great importance and if you aren't to drop what you're doing to help out someone else, there are repercussions. There is no privacy, or free time. I don't fit in with the post college people, the ones who are struggling with new jobs and busy busy lives, the ones who are seeking out their life mate in between partying, and gossiping about who's doing what now. I blame my age for being so out of place but in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if it's just me, my personality, my lack of interest in getting close to anyone. In a discussion with a teacher that I'm observing as part of a college class, I casually mentioned my son's age and she figured out how young I was when he was born. A slight comment, "you kids" was all it took for me to completely pull away, to immediately put up my defenses, assuming that she was judging me. It's not even any of her business, and it should impress her more that I'm still pursuing school, and for all I know she was very impressed. But I just assume that after I've said that, all hopes are gone for any kind of relationship. I close up, and only say what I think I'm supposed. Real thoughts are not exposed. I've worked at the same place for almost two years and have rarely spoken about my personal life and experiences, and when I do what I say comes out fake and pretentious. Like I'm still trying to convince myself as well as the other person. His sister comes in and within a few months has made best friends left and right, people who have known me and not once made an effort to get closer. And I want to tell them how flawed she really is, what she says about them when they're not there. She doesn't follow any kind of rules, just makes them up as she goes, if she tells a fib and gets caught, she desperately attempts to cover it up, anything to make herself look good or to reveive compliments. I keep thinking that in three years when I'm ready to this whole mom thing over again, that I will fit in perfectly in the "mom" world. I'll get invitations to toy parties, and scrapbook parties. I'll have two young kids, just like everyone else and there will be playdates and I will discuss which diapers hold the most with all the other moms. Why, when I play out the future in my head, does it always work out perfectly for me. In reality, I will probably be struggling with my weight even more and be frustrated with the lack of free time that comes with more kids. More than that I will most likely always be struggling with my lack of ability to easily make friends. And since these will have been planned, there will be nothing to attribute the stress to. I imagine that we will be actively involved in a church and that we will be the picture perfect family, who spends saturdays at soccer games and sundays attending religious classes. I imagine myself in that perfect place, but I doubt my own ability to get there.

Even though I want a place to fit in, I don't make any kind of effort to do that. I only fit in with my family, the ones who I wanted so badly to leave so long ago. The ones who I spent years hating with a passion. And now, they are the only people I'm actually comfortable around. And as much as I promised myself I would do nothing like my mother, sometimes I feel like I've turned into her identical twin.

As the years go by I wonder what I'm doing, who I'm supposed to be. I wish I could be myself, but I don't really know who that is.