Life, Love & the Little Things Inbetween

The Answer is to Realise No One Cares

I haven't posted for a while...in fact, I haven't written anything except a few emails for quite some time. The reason being about three weeks ago, I used meth, which kills creativity and any want to communicate with anyone...friends, family or you.

A friend from my past died in a motorcycle accident a while ago, and his memorial service was held a week after I used. At the time, I convinced myself I would recover in time to make it to his memorial, but looking back now, I sabotaged any chance of making it...WHY? Because that's what I do.

I have used meth twice in the last six months, and other than the week or so after that, I have trained almost every day. I had no idea that my friend would die when he did...how could I? But, I knew all of the people I used to consider my friends (back before my meth use became a problem for them) would be at the event. In my mind (before my self-sabotage), it was to be a great opportunity to show them all...that they were wrong to abandon me...that I am better now...that I am not the junkie that they had all forsaken (because junkies, especially meth junkies like me, are not to be trusted and certainly not to be retained as a friend).

Now...here's the kicker. It took me a while to forgive myself for my lapse (as it always does). I felt like I had let people down, and I put myself through hell because of this preconceived notion of disappointment I thought I had caused them. I had managed to rebuild two old friendships in the months I was 'clean', but when I confessed my mistake to them (because I didn't want to lie as to the reason why I couldn't attend our friend's memorial), they appeared to appreciate my honesty...but I haven't heard from either of them since. And that's when I realised something very profound.

You see, I thought it would make a difference to how people saw me when I showed up at the memorial in great physical and mental condition, with a story of no longer being the addict who still used and relied on meth to get through life. But the truth is, it would have made no difference to anyone, yourself included, what I had or had not been up to. I mean seriously, what does it matter to you or anyone else, if I trained today (which I did) or if I used drugs? The reality is that nobody (or very few) cares about me or my choices...or at the very best, care very little. That's the truth...and I always was one who preferred a bitter truth over a sweet misconception/dissolution.

You might think this is a negative way to look at things, but I can see a very real positive that comes from this outlook. Now that I have accepted this fact, that it doesn't matter to anyone what I do, means I can do anything I want without the perceived expectations that come from accountability or the imaginary responsibility I have to those who have absolutely no investment and very little care about me and what my choices are from one day to the next.

If I train tomorrow, only I will reap the benefits, and if instead, I choose to use meth, only I have to face the outcome. For me, this is very freeing. You would be forgiven for thinking this attitude might lead to further drug use because it just might. But, no matter what my choices are, they are mine and mine alone. And if one day I end up dying from my choices, all I can say is, well, we all gotta die sometime, and please...don't shed too many tears for me. The latter I am confident you won't...and neither will anybody else.