My Conversion Story Journal

October 5, 2023

I feel so far behind this week. Work seems to be such a priority as well other things that I don't feel as though I have done enough learning. I have said my prayers daily. I have said my blessings before eating. I've attended class with my American Rabbi only once, but there weren't any other classes due to Sukkot. I baked my challah. I even talked with L about Chanukah and the menorah, dreidel, and meanings behind them. However, I feel as though there is something that I am missing. Could it be my community?

I received a text from the door guy and his mother with a beautiful name to make sure that I was coming to lunch Saturday after shul. It has been such a long week that it feels like that conversation was a long time ago. The door guy speaks in Hebrew which is really nice to hear with all of my practicing and learning. The mother is so sweet and so warm and inviting. I can imagine what it must have been like to grow up with her. I'm so excited to see them and spend time with them and learn from them.

I'm looking forward to seeing everyone in the community that I have gotten to know. Even just a wave between prayers is always greeted with a smile. Then there is the reading of the Torah and the touching it with the prayer book. It's so hard to know I'm so far away from it all.

At the same time, I want to spend some time resting on Shabbat. I haven't been able to read and relax and take a nap on my floor in months, because I have such a long drive. It takes an entire day to go to shul and come home. I have no time of rest and I need it. I need that alone time of G-d and not have to worry about my cell phone and writing and my emails and my work. It is greatly needed.

My Rabbi said that I need to do something to mess up keeping Shabbat because non-Jews cannot keep Shabbat. I am able to do 99.9% of it, but I have to do something to not keep it correctly. The easiest way to break Shabbat is to drive. If I stay home, I could cook or turn off or on a light. Any of these breaks Shabbat. I, however, don't want to break Shabbat. I want the rest and peace that comes with the day.

I'm looking forward to going to shul like always, but I'm looking forward to the day that I am living in the community and not having to drive to get there.