Daily Screams

No Rest for the Wicked

It's sunny outside; utterly glorious. The sky is almost crystal clear, just one or two of those fluffy white clouds you only ever see in cartoons. I think I'm going to spend the morning sipping coffee and watching the bird table; I've always had lots of robins and various finches, but earlier I swear I caught a glimpse of a nuthatch. We don't get nuthatches here much, and I'm not certain, because it was only out the corner of my eye, but still -

brring brring

Hello? No, Gerald, it's fine. I'm just having a late breakfast. Hmm? No, no, goat, Gerald. It won't work with chicken blood. Kid would be best, but use one of the old nannies from pen four. The client won't know the difference.

I don't know if you've ever seen a nuthatch, if you ever get them your way. But they're tiny little things, with the most adorable way of bouncing along; jumping side to side, and they scurry up and down trees more like mini feathered squirrels than birds -

brring

Yes, Gerald? Well of course use a number six knife. Never use a number five for throat slitting; the splatter is horrific. What? Oh don't be ridiculous! Absolutely not. You do not let the client conduct the torture, you hear me? They have no idea - they think it's just a bit of stab this and slice that. You need finesse for this kind of work, Gerald. Well if they want to watch, that's fine. HR is all for transparency. If they want to sit in, that's fine. But you do the cutting. Oh, and Gerald? Make sure they wear the right PPE, I don't want another dry cleaning bill, okay?

It's not just the nuthatch I'm going to keep a look out for today, Mr Polkinghorne down at number 22 says there's a lesser spotted woodpecker around too. They're pretty unusual this far south.

brring brring

I'm changing my ring tone....

Today, Gerald. I told you before I went home last night. I need that demon summoned today. Not tomorrow, not next week. Today. When I walk in tomorrow morning, that damn thing better be hunched over my desk, 'kay?

It is so bloody difficult to get a half decent journeyman these days. I blame the work conditions myself; I mean dungeon? It's more like a damp cellar. No natural moonlight, the spiders are tiny, we even have to provide our own robes now. Have you ever tried to get dried blood out of your uniform? They need replacing constantly. And don't even get me started on the quality of our virgin sacrifices... I swear I've cut through more Twlight or Brony hoodies than I can deal with.

brrrring

What do you mean, the client ate the demon? Gerald, clients don't eat demons. Demons eat clients, that's how we collect late payments... What? No, of course you can't just phone for an ambulance. I mean, what would you say? "I'll have a couple of paranormal-trained paramedics and one priest to go"? Honestly Gerald, just listen to yourself.
Just do the best you can. Yes, Payroll probably will dock you for this, and HR are going to be pissed. But frankly, I can't see any way of getting that demon back that doesn't involve slicing open the client. Well they shouldn't have eaten the demon, should they? Bloody rude.
Look, belly-slit the client - virtually Gerald, not horizontally - and perform a Rite of Khan-Ashet. Three times around the body should do; just try and complete before the client croaks, it's much harder with a corpse. No, don't let Janet do it. Gerald. Gerald! You. Do. Not. Let. Janet. Do. The. Rite. You know her incantations aren't up to it. Get one of the apprentices if you need help, they could do with the experience any way. And what about IT? Khan-Ashet isn't difficult, I'm sure Internal Torture can talk you through it. Just try not to damage the demon, Gerald. We can always get more clients, but demons from the third circle are expensive.

Y'know, it would be so much easier just to nip down there and excise that damn demon myself. But it's a slippery slope, going in on your day off. First it's just clearing up a little goat blood, help out with a child sacrifice or two because everyone's short staffed, then it's fixing a demon summoning gone wrong. And before you know it, they expect you to open trans-dimensional portals from home or pop along to the netherworld to walk the hell-hounds because Carl from Accounts has called in sick, again.

beep

WHAT INVENTORY?!?! FFS JUST CALL ME

brrin-

What bloody inventory, Gerald? No, I didn't get any sodding memo. And no! They absolutely cannot just go through my amulet supply. Or my charms. Ger- keep them away from my codices. I am not having an unannounced audit on my grimories... It is bloody unannounced if I didn't get an announcement, Gerald. I don't care - they do not go near my books and ledgers. Of course I've got things to hide! You think I want Infernal Affairs rummaging through my codices, pinching my spells? Look, just ring Debbie in Accusations and find out what the bloody hellfire they're doing in my dungeon.

That bloody Debbie. I swear she keeps memos back from my department on purpose. I tell you what, somehow I'm going to get back at her for this. It's in-house politics, that's what it is. Desperate Debbie overlooked for promotion once again, and now she's trying to make my department look bad so that her's won't come in bottom on targets again. Well look here, Deborah, if you got off your fat backside once in a while and actually disemboweled someone once in a lunar eclipse...
Ugh! That woman make's my blood boil.
So now I've got the choice of sitting here, in the sun and listening to birdsong whilst I watch out for that adorable little nuthatch (and that gorgeous little family of chaffinches - the chicks only fledged a week ago, and they are still so fluffy). Or go into work and dealing with Gerald's gross incompetency and, apparently now auditors as well. Honestly, the client ate the demon? What sort of tentacle-faced shit is that? And I'll bet he used a number five knife after all that. I hate going back in after a day off and spending the first hour cleaning up other people's spatter. If you can't incise neatly, at least wipe down afterwards. Is that really too much to ask? It takes forever if the gore's dried, and there's always some green wobbly bit that stinks out the canteen.

brring brring brrrrrrring

Ye-es Gerald? Noooo, it's fine! I don't mind you ringing me at home... Just tell me what's gone wrong now? Ah. Okay. And how many got out? Any chance they might devour the auditors? No? Mmm, pity. Not even a light mauling? Oh well. Yes, yes I'm on my way. No, I wasn't doing anything special today anyway...




Word Count: 1,153
Prompt: The Cultist's Day Off

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